Not much has changed but now I’m a glass is ten per– cent full kind of guy
In failing to put the I in team I took the erotic out of neurotic
If you want to remain married one partner should stay busy moving the goalposts while the other focuses on running out the clock
Keep your friends close your enemies closer and your neighbor closest
I thought my alarm clock woke me up each day but the day I realized it had always been a false alarm was the day I realized
Inevitably my spirit vegetable was rutabaga
There was once a time when No Jews allowed Meant No Jews allowed But now they say
You can’t watch sports these days… Father Time is undefeated Which is when I always quote Saul… “Vait a minute. Vat about Rocky…
The crucial ingredient for random mutation to drive evolution is a surplus of time But nothing
I thought I could keep the family… until I realized I was the family… So, all the time I was afraid of… the family’s dirty laundry I was already wearing
Social media– the bureaucracy of the people– is an eternal now where you always have just enough time
The quartermaster is responsible f… and nothing more Some of you will be content to half-ass the rest of it Some of you will be willing to ris…
I disapprove of what you say but I will defend to the death your right not to mean it
I knew Remain was in trouble when they announced that a vote fo… was also a vote in favor of renami… Brexit McBrexitface
To avoid road rage all rearview mirrors have been replaced by screens displaying a real-time computerize… of the way things ought to be