RANT.
You are a hypocritical asshole and I love you.
Why in God’s name do I love you?
You broke my heart, swallowed it whole, sent it through your digestive tract,
Through the depths of your bowels,
And then you existed my existence through your body like a piece of meat.
It started as a loving, beautiful, deep, luxurious love affair.
It was a forever and always kind of love,
That was going to last.
A love that is still there, it just turned dark over time.
You said it yourself: “The good days were great, but the bad days were awful.”
This is harsh and I know it. This is raw and I know it.
But what I am saying is real.
Confusing and real.
So let me be blunt, you’re a piece of shit and you fucking broke my heart.
I know all this, but I still love you.
Chaotic much?
Maybe just a little.
To do simple arithmetic, that doesn’t add up.
I know that.
If I have learned anything from all of this, it’s that love does not add up.
Love does not make sense.
You are a piece of shit and you fucking broke my heart.
I know all this, but I still love you.
Thanks for making me feel like an idiot,
An idiot I know I actually am not.
So let me tell you a story, a peak into my deep twisted mind.
I wanted us,
Happiness,
You and me more than I wanted anything.
I was focused on me, my life goals, my successes...
But you,
You always came before all that.
For that I am stupid.
How could I be so stupid to put us before I would put myself?
How could I think that you could find your soul mate at 16 years-old?
Such an innocent, untainted, beautiful soul of a child.
You loved me. You really loved me.
You let me be vulnerable.
You let me trust you.
You let me be me and I let you be you.
You let me be yours, cradled me when I was saddened,
And loved me when I didn’t even love myself.
You caught me when I fell,
Wiped my tears that you knew were there, but I could never let fall.
You knew the way I remained numb to things,
I did not want to face.
The things I did not want to deal with.
You knew the way I put on a smile,
Pretended like everything was fine and dandy even when it was not;
Kind of like I am doing right now.
You always saw right through that.
You saw the real me. You loved me for my imperfections.
I was your everything.
What happened?
I gave you the best part of me and you cherished that.
Until time marched on,
And you took advantage of that.
The love I gave, you took that for granted.
You forgot what we had.
How cruel.
In time, it just felt like corruption.
I know this is harsh.
I know what we had was real.
I know you loved me, you maybe still do.
I know that when it ended, it hurt you too.
Vulnerable.
Now I am sad and lonely.
I am sad and lonely and vulnerable.
And I am still in love with you.
I HATE the thought of feeling vulnerable.
I HATE the feeling of feeling vulnerable.
I want you.
I want you to want me.
I want you to need me in your existence like you used to.
I want you more deeply than to physically just want you.
I want you to want the best for me.
I want you to want me to be independent, young and free,
But to still want me for yourself.
I want you to get jealous from time to time. Show me that you care.
I want you to know what is happening in my life:
To ask me how my life is and genuinely mean it,
To be involved in my successes and my failures,
Especially my failures.
I want to be involved in yours too.
That is where we started to drift apart...
I stare off into the distance; a faraway place.
I see a man and a woman,
A future version of us.
A successful, happy, wonderful, loving, far off future version of us.
A version of us that cooks each other soup when we are sick,
And asks each other how our days have been.
Just like we used to.
A future version of us that compromises and does things they do not want to,
Just to make the other happy, just because the other wants to.
I see a future version of us that takes the time,
That puts in the effort,
That does not just say it,
But also shows the other how we feel.
A future version of us that says “I love you,”
Even though we already knew it.
This is real and its raw.
Its here on paper not to be mean.
Its here on paper to keep me sane,
To let me know that I am not crazy for loving a hypocritical asshole.
Its here on paper to remind myself that something was there.
To still hang on to those beautiful moments,
Because I loved them,
And I will always cherish them.
You now say you care, but you don’t actually show it.
Be my friend, start anew.
Then ask me to do something rather than your new girls of friends that have taken my place.
You say you want to start over, you say you care,
But you don’t show it.
This is me saying how I feel, what I see,
How it looks like to me:
I want you to care,
But sadly, you don’t.
That is it from my perspective.
You either want me in your life or you don’t.
Do something about it while you still have a part of me,
While a part of me still cares.
Do something before it is too late,
And my love is consumed by hate.
When that day hits,
My friend it will be too late.
I am becoming a bit of a dark individual,
And I don’t like it.
But this is me, take it or leave it.
Do me a favor and leave it.
I am sick of those few moments of niceness that I see.
They give me hope and I don’t want disappointment.
So here I am.
I am proud.
I am proud to get this all down on paper,
Raw and naked.
If its out, maybe for a brief moment it is not consuming my thoughts,
And I can just be me,
Me without you.
Just my lonely self ready to take on the world.
If I get this on paper, just maybe a part of me can be free.
Fight for me, or baby,
Its not my loss you see.
For me,
I will be okay.
I think,
I hope.
No, I will be okay.
When you notice you love me, baby I hope its not too late.
~AAS
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