Haunted By the Fire of You
I privatized this for awhile..because of its length and choppiness ...its so old written over time up until present..but because it is a part of me anyways..I put it back up...you've been warned....A very very long and lyrical run-on poem about someone you cannot get out of your mind and yet your not allowed to have them either...made up of 3 different poem written over 10 yrs...mixed to make perfect sense and symbolize the very fire of obsession...how exciting.
I write to forget you
I write to forget my need of you too
I write it down to escape a shame that grew
I write in desperation that
it will take you from my thoughts and put it somewhere new
when I left you
I did not want to wash your scent from me
I did not want to wash the blood from me.
I could still feel you on my skin all the way through
I know its wrong but surely you see
there is fire between you and up aside me
and
I cannot, I know
I should not, I know!
Im sorry I could not have known
A guarded heat that exchanges through simple glances
and my resolve is only as strong as my want
and they’ll soon snap from their weakness, my defenses
the strength of the want of you
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
the heart wants what it wants
the body reacts to what it will
I dont know what happened I did not mean for it too
the nearness of you drives me mad
can you feel me at all tonight
as I sit here burning alive?
haunted by the fire of you
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
this language we speak to one another
is meaningless and mundane or untranslated
until our eyes meet then all is understood
sometimes I know not wether to be loved or hated
would do my soul the most good
haunted by the fire of you
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
It seems I have no choice, if I did
id push away every thought of you
but it happened so fast I had no time to react so
it has happened before, you know
but I felt you straight down to my soul
why else would I make such a mistake
I hold onto anything as if it was this part of me
I’m ashamed of it, I did not plan for this to take my mind from me
all I know is I woke up when I first saw you
and I didn’t know I was asleep
Im wide awake now and I cannot breath
there is no rest for the wicked
that I know only to well
no peace for the impassioned
Im trying to forget it, leave it dead with little success
why my mind says leave it be and turn logic from emotion
I have done it before
but my heart is screaming give me you or give me death
what dramatic scene is this turning my logical mind into a mess
Im cursed by the scent of you
hit me so hard I could not speak
this isn’t like me and you broke my peace
and I doubt you even realize it
Im good at hiding everything far underneath
now my eyes are screaming it, I know!
because when I looked at you I saw nothing but your soul reflecting mine
this is why I cannot push it away like I could another unfortunate time
I see nothing else when I look at you
I see you through your eyes and respond to it as I would myself
I do not know why and I must forget it
yet I crave you and cannot know why
if I’m silent its because my mind goes blank
it hisses and my words are strangled
by a burning memory that has never had its place
my skin cries at the feel of you
I feel higher at the thought of you
id take it slower but I cannot think it through
I feel as if you possess me and I cannot be free of you
I didn’t know I could feel that way again
I do not know what this was
its blatant and a mystery
its got ahold of me in ways I do not fully understand
if I could free myself tangled in this flame
where I cannot bear parting
for I have become heat itself
fed by this manic desire
when I close my eyes I’m haunted by this fire
I’ve been so sure of my love for ages
what is it about you that set me astray
if I could push you away, God I would
but touching you in the process would have me pull you too
I do not know why I set myself up for pain
when I have nothing to gain
unless you have a momentary lapse of reason
the skin wants what it wants
the heart loves what it will
my entire life is a lapse of reason
I cant tell you its right what I feel
if I could take it all back I would
I would divert the line you stared at me
Id have built up a higher wall
as it is this is my only defense to see it through
keep the fire inside and hide it well
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
still, to just drown in this fire I had taken my life to avoid
where could I go? what could I do but let myself go
I’ve done it before and repelled it but its so strong
If you told me that quietly
could I ever risk it all? throw it down?
can you feel me at all tonight?
as I sit here burning alive?
God knows your on my every thought
when you touch me I feel I could
ignore it and move on for only so long
for my resolve is only so strong
in some, in most ways, I hate you
its not fair to us, to my history, my life
as if you exist to torment me
that you know as well as your eyes that I’ve long been tied away
yet like a damn torrential flood washing my sin away
wash all I know about myself down the drain
I have never before felt this way all the way through
your eyes say nothing, nothing, until they do
for a shot in the dark you tell me all
then you build a wall and disappear
tell me you don’t feel me way down
its wrong and you think I do not know?
your eyes are screaming this is you,
this is me
why are you touching me that way?
even if its like holding yourself together by the skin
what right had you?
to tell me that take it back before we are drowned
in the blood of all we knew
I dreamed of you, I heard you whisper to me
years before we met and now I cant have what I want
what you give I cannot take and what I can take, you cannot give
so how could this even happen
but Id have felt you buried six feet under ground
Id have heard you if you had never made a sound
can you feel me at all tonight
as I lay here burning alive
haunted by this fire and fearing this fall
your eyes say nothing until they’ve said it all
God I know I’m wrong and so ill keep it hid
I cannot give in and I cannot deny you
did we think about the end game at all
your eyes say nothing till they say it all
time lost all length, all possession of monotony
when I first saw you
it took my soul for ransom
and the ransom was only my life
which you knew was yours from the start
if you touch me and tell me its wrong
I’ve committed worse sins than you
Do not fear I’ve committed much worse sins than you could ever know.
a need to be realized a desire to fade through you
your eyes tell me nothing till every secret
comes from your skin onto mine
I want to deny you but we both know I never would
and both of us know we should
not sure I could look away, if I only could
is this the wall I let you take me and
is this the wall where I all but destroyed you
yes this is the place where we decided we would
leave no chance of turning back
life is not fair we all know that
but tear me from my thick and thin?
am I to forgive you? is he? am I to forgive myself
I could have ignored you easily and been happy
until your eyes told me everything I already knew
am I selfish for not turning you away
how could I? really how could I?
you do not turn away from the mirror when its staring straight thru you
I feel your eyes hours after I’ve left you
when I drag my hand down your arm
I am not altogether certain you exist
do I want you anymore than them? truly?
or is it just you make me feel validated in a way I never knew
I know I cannot have you
not the way I want.
yet its in shadow I want to touch you I know its suicidal
taking a chance like that is a pastime of the young
which I have thought I was old for sometime
your touch is forbidden unknown and puts my mind in a haze
something so unknown but seems known to me
like a shadow behind me that I cannot let go
how long will this go on? God I feel it is not a passing thing
I wish it was you cannott imagine how much
is it obvious that I cant sleep at the thought of you
yet I know so very little
all I know is my hands shake at the thought of you
my mind is lost at the thought of you
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
you touch me again like you did, ill be truly lost
your eyes making permanent marks on my skin
if eyes could set forth a spark
we would have burned each other down
Quite simply drowned in blood and fire down into the ground.
the electricity bouncing between us is there
and I cant ignore it without ignoring my own soul
to put it politely your driving me insane
every time I try to forget you
I am drug back against my will
did I love you from our first look
I dont know but needed you, I did
I cannot tell you where we go from here
if I knew that I wouldn’t be questioning my entire existence
wanting your mouth to speak
wanting that mouth to speak close to mine
I’ve got a good soul but the consequences are becoming so very hard to fear
concerning you I’ve seemed to lose my sanity
my blood trembles when I feel you near
if you aren’t going to help me then shoot me dead
for I am useless to everything else right now
until I feel your spirit within mine
your spell could take some time to wear off
and for the first time I worry
that I loved you from the start
and its tearing me apart
I cannot think without needing you again
what would I be giving up?
stability and love I know very well
there isn’t a lot I wouldn’t push away
you need not be afraid my thoughts that race at your voice
I cannot even feel my own hands rubbing my neck
when you touched me next I wanted to push you from sight
but the storm outside raged harder in my soul
were you thinking of me as well?
if so what a fix this is, its true
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
and the shame I feel is nothing to the thought of the void
I can feel you from here
I lay here turning sleepless forcing my body to bend
I’ve never been ashamed of passion unless its denied
but this is a new situation and I cannot take the guilt
yet your eyes tell me nothing until they do
can you feel me at all
as I lay here burning
haunted by the fire of you
if I can have you again
ill not wonder at my own morality
ill know I should burn but burn do I already
God help me I want your skin upon mine
I want your mind within mine
to take what isn’t mine
to put myself in the line of fire
and wait of the pain to cease
its all I can do. what else can I do?
your eyes tell me nothing until they do
and its true I deserve every shot I take
what do you expect? you took me by complete surprise
I held my breath as long as I could
and still I felt under water when I finally filled my lungs
I still drowned in the flame
haunted by the fire of you.
I can’t quite figure you out, do I despise you OR love you?
have I for ages known you?
I feel a void every time you’re not around
and when your near I feel like I’m all a sudden whole
Why you? Why now? of all the years I’ve stayed clear.
Why now? Who are you to make me feel this way?
Why do I have the helpless need to reach out and touch you
your eyes tell me nothing, nothing until they do
Haunted by the fire of you.
©Catherine Renee Stanger
2019
while real passionate feelings back this up...i also exaggerate for effect a bit...but yes .this poem is made up of 3 different poems written over a decade ....but finished now with this forever..i dont want to come back to it....see? loooonngg and possibly quite boring for anyone reading it...but the fact it runs on without structure barely rhyming.....the run on feel of this poem is suppose to capture the desperation of that particular feeling we have all probably felt in some degree..i wanted to investigate and write of it...the length should tell anyone that as well...not much else to say about this one...its raw and just written quick and says it all very plainly and honestly...not exactly like my traditional poems...i was not writing to tell people about an idea ...nor was i writing on a theme...anyways ....raw thoughts..its different than usually what i put up..but i kinda wanted to see this feeling captured ...and this is all right off the mind...no revision and therein lies its uniqueness among my other stuff...you gotta love true obsession.....obsession is a very human thing...and something that passes like an eclipse in the night..but still every need of burning out...it's why I keep a long wordy poem nearby lol poets do that...I just keep my in one whole one ...
#adultery #desire #emotional #infatuation #love #love #obsession #sex #sexuality #unrequitedloved
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