What Terrifies Me Most
What terrifies me most
is what I’m made of.
A personal trauma-filled past
and the accumulated karma
of centuries of manipulation and dogma.
I know karma doesn’t work like that,
But I’ve a sensitive heart that feels for the oppressed.
And during this process of empathy,
I become distraught by the catastrophe
that is genocide
because a group of humans thought they were right
and so the rest must be wrong
so the rest must be righted
or else the “right” group is being wronged.
I hate empathizing with the oppressor
because seeing their side makes me the opposite of calmer.
I don’t want to be a colonizer!
And then I imagine what it must be like to be a suicide bomber.
Their suicide justified because they thought
that what they were doing was right.
I was there a few times
during the socially constructed teenage years
while trapped in foster care.
My fragile ego had to make sense of the world.
The memories added up to me being unlovable.
So my last act of love would be to take myself out of the world.
But it never felt right inside.
I never wanted to cause more pain
but that’s what each attempt did.
But being in pain also caused more pain
because the people around me couldn’t look into their own pain
and empathize with a human who lost their will to survive.
Or maybe they could, but became too lost in that remembered pain to help.
What terrifies me most is losing that natural,
innate instinct to keep on existing.
I continue to find bees on the ground,
“They’re just resting,” I tell myself.
Because the truth stings.
Human greed funding experimental science
Addiction to new, newer, newest technologies.
We wanna be the best, but we’re not watching where we’re stepping.
And I don’t mean the sidewalk cracks;
It’s not a big enough gap
for the privileged.
First world nations hit home runs,
the effects of which are pollution and poverty
in the back yards of third world countries.
Ten-year-old in America sits at home living dreams on the i-phone.
Ten-year-old in China makes i-phones while dreaming of home.
This world is backwards and insane!
Expecting sustainable solutions
while continuing the process of ambition
also known as discontentment
all in the name of continued progress.
When people start viewing suicide as an act of self-compassion,
there’s something deeply wrong.
We’re obsessed with communication!
But it’s not helping us listen.
What terrifies me most is popular culture’s method of education:
Rigid guidelines and indoctrination.
When some of the most amazing interactions I’ve had
were with things that didn’t speak the same language.
Whether it be humans, animals, or plants.
The dropping of assumptions
makes way for true connection.
Defending the idea of rightness
leads to violence.
Oppression is violent.
Oppression is Asserting dominance.
Asserting dominance is violent.
I don’t care what your title is:
The Law, Teacher, Doctor, Sir, or Organized Religion.
What terrifies me most is that my presence is an inconvenience.
Mental health is being criminalized
along with homelessness and drug addiction.
How ironic!
The symptoms of a sick society
are being blamed by that same society for the illness.
The cancer patient blames the coughed up blood for being sick.
Imprisons it in a saucer
maybe studying it will produce an answer.
Being the judgment-maker is a lot easier
than healing:
Interacting with the deeper sense of feeling
that isn’t distraught by things so mundane
as impermanence, indifference, discrimination.
Empathy doesn’t have to lead to desperation!
Dear sensitive child of first world nations,
let your empathy guide you to altruism!
Stop indulging in your privilege of pity.
Learn from what is shitty!
Give back so you’re not like you’re forefathers
who believed this world was theirs.
But what about the over-optimizers?
The self-professed, self-aware,
wounded healers,
internal alchemizers,
transforming their pain into beauty to help the survivors.
Waking up every morning with bananas in their smoothies,
while Dole plantations are sickening indigenous families.
Humans epitomize hypocrisy.
Dear therapist, you’re so obsessed with understanding and clarity,
I don’t trust you’re hearing me clearly.
We are the epitome of hypocrisy!
I’m not spreading negativity!
I’m a beacon of positive light!
We tell ourselves so we can go to bed at night.
While our night lights outshine
the cultures being raped by rich guys.
What terrifies me most is the lack of honesty happening.
I’m not depressed because I’m trying.
I’m saddened by the continued realization
that there will be no revolution.
Change won’t happen that quickly.
Love won’t heal those sickly
if they can’t FEEL it.
I no longer claim to be an activist.
Because I’m tired of thinking I know what this world needs.
Self-righteousness isn’t helping.
I wanna show compassion and kindness.
Cause this world of reason and logic...
I can’t help but to not trust it.
If it’s so viable,
Why do we need persuasion and manipulation
to convince authority figures to stop discrimination?
War is murder and it’s celebrated;
In order to feel secure, others must be hated.
We have damaged psyches.
Maybe our spirits have been trapped in our minds for too long.
Our identities too afraid of being wrong.
Maybe this is what happens when the spring of life inside us goes silent.
When birds stop singing and humans forget
how to continue the song.
Can we be wrong together?
Can we learn to sing together?
Because I don’t know the truth,
I’m just terrified of those who stop searching because they think they do.
(2015)
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