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I am a Man

I am a man that has lost many years.
To his fear of being hurt, to his abandonment issue, to pretending he loves people that he doesn’t. I once believed I knew what most could not figure out, how to keep people at bay, to remain safe from any real hurt.
I am a man that has endured.
I was raised with too much hurt already and cutting off my feelings was the easiest way to keep from anymore hurt. I pushed away the good ones, staying closest to the ones that I didn’t care if they cared.
I am a man that hid his heart from the world.
I know that I can be cold, careful, and distant. But this time it isn’t to prevent myself from being hurt. It’s because I actually can feel pain. Pain I haven’t felt in a long time; an anxiety about what is or is not happening and a worry about what is or is not being felt.
I am a man that is use to standing alone.
For the first time in a very long time I care what someone thinks about me. I am scared. I am worried. I am vulnerable.
I am a man that is unsure.
I know not what this will be, where it is headed. I do know that I really feel alive when we are together and an emptiness when we are not. Just when I think I can be independent from you, you say that you miss me and I melt.
I am a man that will embrace whatever lies ahead.
I accept life on life’s terms; I hold no expectations to others. I am strong and I am resilient. I can go back to being safe, but I don’t really want to.
I am a man that has longed for someone like you.
Someone with all of your qualities; beauty, grace, sensuality, sexuality, assertiveness, goofiness, generosity, strength, activeness, intelligence, tenderness, kindness, a zest for life, and your uncanny way of drawing me in unlike any other ever has.
I am a man that has lived.
I have met many before you yet you are the coolest. I have felt for some before you yet none affected me so. I have been with many before you yet none can hold a candle to how good it feels with you.
I am a man that lies awake.
I lay there thinking of you; the way you smell, the way you feel, the way you look. You are so captivating, so irresistible.
I am a man that loves you.
As scary as it is, I do love you. I know that it might seem soon, but I have been falling for you a little each day for more than half a year. I want so bad to tell you what I feel, how much I feel it. I just fear that it will scare you. Your kiss pulled the rug out from under me. When we touch, I feel a fire inside of me.
I am a man with nothing left to hide.
Open and honest with everything that I say and write. You know that I love you. You know that I am aware of your hesitation. I write you more than I have ever written anyone, I tell you more than I have ever told anyone. All of my cards are on the table.

(2013)

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