late july
it started with falling
no not the cliche
you are undoubtedly unblameably expecting
(falling in love)
no, i was just simply falling
without the comfort of love at the bottom to catch me
(even though it did)
And i had shame to fill up the cabinets [of this ladys’ i’d met] emptied home
shame to fill up crowds until your alone.
i had memories daunting my head like tsunamis
and i
was invisible when you saw me.
we spent our first days as i find we still do.
like children realizing recess is a thing;
that you get a break in the in between
of a catastrophe
spent them like the first taste of rainbow skies and ice cream
the in explainable epihany that is the notice of
life tasting sweet
after storms
we spent them cold blooded
but with our bodies for warmth
i thought of you as
hurricane shelter.]
relief of the naivety i found in everbody.
lover. hero. friend.
and i never wanted to be away from you.
but fear set in.
to explain..i mean
have you ever taken some pill or dropped some drug or changed your brain for minutes, hours idk
and feared, purely, tragically feared
i will never be able to realize everything the way i do now
[to know if you breathe life is gentle]
feared within an abrupt
come down
reality (that is really dismorphic)
would settle in your bones
like blood transplant?
I feared you evaporating like that
but
you were no temporary relief.
everything was,
is real and i am lucky.
and that is what it feels like to feel like you swallowed capsuled give up
to feel like not enough and be cured.
that is what it feels like to feel loved.
maybe you never deserve it, maybe
it is just because.
maybe its like cherry limade.
it taste good for no reason
maybe its like holidays
[they just exaggerate our seasons.]
but,
i think you are
like water;
i would have never known how empty i was until i’d known you.
and you a lot of mornings
you still wake me up with your stare
and you are watching me move
and holding me like last
breath
and i notice i am breathing,
smiling.
and the world is a calmer place,
opposite of what ever it was i had thought it to be
before you happened ..
you made me realize i have hands
that i can change and move things
you made me count my breaths to
realize there is magic in what my heart is doing
and it is fucking moving
to watch you watching me and me watching
you
i have never seen more precious speculation
not even in
the finest of art museums
as what i see when we do it each other.
your freckles moving over my rib cage like hot,
hot sun
beams
and my lips stretching to all phases of smile
as they explore
you.
i adore the ocean and heavens, the same way i adore you.
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