Rushing thoughts
the routine is the same & un original.
i get up and torture my hair
and mental state
try to braid it into pretty face
try to make my eyeliner straight enough
to straighten out my weight
i pinch between my fingers
before i eat a triscuit & 1/2
& walk a mile
and 1/2
to work.
Triscuit calories burned!
the ice machine is always empty because
gabriel never fills it on his shift and i fit it into
my shift run entirely by me
table 22 table 34, decent people
the rest of them look mad about going back
to their lives after that basil roll.
i watch them shovel mountains of rice into their mouths and
they dont even have time for refills everyone
is rushing
i am rushing plates to help their rushing
my boss is screaming in another language i am scared
because i cant tell if something is funny or horribly, horribly wrong.
all of the sudden the entire room is empty i feel like im exhaling for the
first time in three hours.
my stomach has become un bloated since morning
i turn to my side and do a self check in the window of the pool supply store
i am forever changing
i get home and i am starving so i start cleaning
just distract yourself.
i am googling ways to meditate
i do not understand not thinking thoughts i close my eyes
and think about not thinking them
hard
i think painfully hard about
not thinking
i cant do it.
meditating people what are you doing..
i make coffee.
i am not in need of being awake though.
why am i drinking coffee.
i check my facebook and i dont know why i am doing that either.
nobody wants to speak to me,
and while i complain of having no friends i dont want
to speak to anyone either.
i scroll for ten minutes and
read the rushing complaints of other people.
i am finally not thinking by 3am
i am finally asleep.
i wake up to corny ringtone alarm
and i feel almost satisfied with my life,
or something..
nonethe less i feel,
okay.
& yesterdays deep thoughts and upsetting noticings are far away things.
un certain, delicate whispers.
& i walk into the bathroom to braid my hair.
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