Illusion of separation
The feeling too strange yet not unfamiliar
cradles within my rib cage.
I think I’ll go, I’ll disappear
outside into the night.
Away I’ll be, separated from
the mental noise that could cause another fight.
On the grass I lay still and feel
a sense of isolation from what’s real.
And a sharp pain that triggers memories of feelings,
feelings of separation, rejection.
I can’t remember fully but I’m starting to long;
long for the warmth and love that bathed me
when I rested in the cradle that was my mother’s womb.
No, not exact
the feeling goes beyond that.
This feeling, too oddly familiar.
I remember it from childhood.
Those long nights
of sleepless cries.
Cries for my mother.
Cries for my father.
Cries for the comfort that never came.
Crying and not knowing why.
I try to cry now but the tears do not come.
I fish for an explanation and then,
I’m silenced by wisdom.
The night that first lured me with its stillness
is now, when I’m silenced to a rhythmic breath,
an enchanted world that wishes to reveal
the spectacle of its inner depth.
It’s asking me to participate.
But I feel I don’t belong.
I look out into the infinite sky
and ask for the stars, the moon,
to help me feel like I’m part of them;
to help me be free of all illusion.
I cry out too,
to the earth, the trees, the grass,
I cry out “Please let me feel I belong”.
Pan flute sounds of the wind in my direction
expanding and brushing to move all that breathes,
requests my lingering heart to listen.
The moon and stars twist to brighten,
requests that my hazy eyes gain clarity.
The pawed, whiskered predator of the night,
who had been engaged in a playful hunt,
stalks towards me to be next to me,
then to offer me it’s touch.
Their asking me to participate,
but I feel I’m not a part of them.
I become aware of the knowledge that created the illusion.
The illusion of the wall between them and I.
The one ingrained too deep to change so sudden.
I become aware, it was not them,
it was I, it was I, it was I
who had, before this life, rejected our connection.
I become aware of the weight of the pain
relative to this inadvertent deed of separation.
Oh how I wish I could go back that far
and revisit what caused the initial deception.
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