A Foe to Darkness
I’m better at rhyming
these words,
to make myself heard.
I’m better at scratching
paper,
Or when I relate
to quotations
rather than using my words.
I own a smile
that contradicts my feelings.
Then all the while
I am just swirling
I’m whirling
I’m yearning
Just to be heard.
I can’t put words
to a darkness,
that takes over my world.
I can mask sadness,
better than edits
work on Instagram girls.
I want to put thoughts
to this pain.
I want to feel like
I have something to gain.
They say the only
way is up.
But up is too high,
I’m far from the sky
And i’m just too fucking tired
to climb.
Please just someone
throw me a rope.
And pull me back up
from not being able to cope.
I’m clawing
I’m scratching
to feel a surface.
But not even a fraction
of light,
burns these emotional curses.
I feel like I’m no longer
coping,
I feel like my spirit
is choking.
I inhale, I exhale
I talk to myself,
‘I don’t even know where I’m going’.
My White Flags are waving,
but I feel like there’s no way of saving,
Me from Myself.
I’m like an old photo
clouded by dust on a shelf.
Come make me shine.
Don’t just tell me I’m fine
I need to believe it.
I need to know all that I feel
isn’t just weakness.
I’m wanting some help.
But this darkness,
it feeds off my sadness
and will fight for its hell.
So I become quiet,
I am withdrawn.
Tell everyone 'yeah I’m just tired’,
Anxiety laughing
while I act out a yawn.
I’ve perfected a smile
that makes it seem
like I have it together.
Charading a laugh,
but all the while, thinking
‘is this me forever?’.
Craving some quiet
to take a pen to paper.
Not needing to speak
or be a liar
This is my only Saviour.
I take off my mask
while I sit down to a page,
And all I can ask is
‘when did I become so fucking afraid?’.
My logic shrieks
‘you have nothing to fear,
your feet keep you standing,
you’re still fucking here!'.
But my Darkness,
it bonds up logics mouth.
Now it’s just me and Darkness
and there’s no getting out.
So now i’m back to the whirling,
again I am swirling.
And now I play Alice
down a Rabbit Hole
that’s so callus.
Outings and people,
make me socially feeble.
So Darkness excites up excuses,
it too easily pukes it.
So again i’m alone
in what i’m forced to call home.
Exhausted and broken,
living trauma
unspoken.
My mouth
it speaks back,
words I’ve scribbled in black.
While I pray that Darkness
rests while I write this.
So in this I find peace,
an outlet to cope.
My blotted release
My last chance at hope.
I lift up the pen,
My hand brings it back down again.
Giving thanks to my words,
‘This is my only way of being heard!’,
My last chance at hope,
My words beginning to choke.
So I reach for the pen
to bring me back again.
My brain is too on,
I don’t know where
Logic’s gone.
Too tired to speak
Too caught up in my head.
My soul is too weak
I just lie there in bed.
Trying to hold onto
a shred of myself.
I know I’m there somewhere,
too proud to say ‘help...’.
Let it regulate
Then coagulate.
Until my mind is numb
And I can’t think straight.
I’m lying there grieving,
Watch my soul as it’s leaving.
I’m so done with believing
that there’s some way of relieving,
My heart and my mind
from not being able to find,
a way out from this Beast.
Or just some kind of release.
Come on soul
rise from these ashes!
Come on hope,
Show me I have a chance at this
Life,
I feel like it’s trying
to break me.
Light,
Come shine on a world
that I can’t see.
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