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Online

I don’t want to have to say it
 
Online, through text
 
And certainly not phone.
 
I want to swallow my fear,
 
To say my piece,
 
To tell you, that I think
 
We might have a chance.
 
But I can’t wait.
 
I can’t wait until I next see you
 
Because I fear that I will struggle
 
Stuttering words,
 
starting again and again and repeating myself.
 
I fear the eyes that crease
 
in sympathy,
 
The cringe and small smile
 
As I am told
 
no
 
So I say it then
 
Online
 
My only communication
 
letters on a screen.
 
Where you can’t see the shaking.
 
Or my hear my heart racing.
 
There is no crack in my voice
 
If no words are being spoken.
 
I wish I could say it to your face,
 
And watch those eyes widen in joy,
 
And a smile speak the words yes.
 
I saw that once.
 
Now, I don’t even see you to ask,
 
And so by initial failing
 
I am left only able to speak
 
Online.

(2015)

This is a poem about Rhinos, Whiskey and Pine furniture.

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