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love in pain

did my love,
flow in tides,
like the ocean,
as small currents,
travelin round,
in their own trajectories,
bypassing larger currents
of others’ love and pain?
 
Did our currents meet
like cool and warm waters,
fresh and salt waters,
slipping over top each other?
 
Did my love,
not have the composition,
was it in disarray,
with decreasing pH,
increasing metals,
but still,
in the end,
porous,
soluble,
water?
 
love,
like love,
water,
like water,
currents,
like currents,
soft and ripping tides.
Was my love
not the malleable,
ever responding body
that was needed?
Was my love
not absorbing more,
and evaporating excess?
Was it not cooling and warming,
was it not the solvent of a life
worth fighting for?
(insert new poem because it was,
and we did fight)
 
Was it dead from the beginning,
was it deceiving,
in that no life swam through its depths?
Was my love
so treacherous,
poisonous,
of unearthly quality?
Then let me drink it now,
drink this ocean water,
the vast -
inexhaustible reservoir of water,
let me drink with all its salt,
to the last drop,
to replenish the love lost within me,
to take me back to the currents
so familiar,
let me drink away the last drops
that I may ever share;
I know now that it was poison,
like the contamination of humankind.
 
I am unnatural to the ocean,
I am the rising temperature,
and the acid rain,
the denaturation of love itself,
and the mercury rising.
 
The water created an illusion of purity,
an illusion of tranquility.
I hid in my own currents,
I hide now from all currents,
the mercury and the cold,
together we sink to the depths,
the pressures this life
asked of me to endure,
an enticing escape,
from the blinding reality of the surface.
 
I sink with a choice,
but a slow acquiescence
to the triturating pressure,
to darkness,
to annihilation.
The currents slow
the oxygen depleted,
I have suffocated myself;
by the age of two,
the bonds of motherhood and child
are chasms in the deep.
I sink into the Mariana trench,
where I can find the darkness,
that awaits me,
where I feel for the remains
of identity and ancestry.
I spend the last sips of the treacherous current,
learning how to embrace the darkness,
I will sink with dignity
and I will love you always.

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