if i coulda spoken freely
if i could speak freely,
I would’ve from the start.
If my mind had the answers
i wouldn’t of gotten so lost.
If I coulda made sense
of all this fuckin chaos,
I’d be your other rock,
but i was just a kid,
learning fear and desperation
imagination hijacked by victim narrativization,
too blacked out drunk
to save my own life.
i was just a kid,
fulfilling all your prophecies
of the criminal i’d become
from the sinner i already was
pathologized and condemned
to lazy for the corps
a dictatorship to glorify war
If I could speak now,
propelled from revelation,
what I mighta known as a kid,
the meaning of neurodivergence
and transracial adoptions...
abandonment, abuse,
internalized racism.
If I coulda spoken freely,
I would’ve from the start.
This wouldn’t of been so hard
Time wouldn’t of felt corrupt
Pain wouldn’t of been a drug
Love wouldn’t of been the syringe
War wouldn’t of been the escape
Community wouldn’t of been collateral.
You and I wouldn’t of been a mistake.
If I could speak freely,
it’d mean I wasn’t always stuck,
drifting to the past.
You’d see me tearing through all the traps.
You’d see me here,
waiting for your trust.
There’d be no fearful retribution,
no psychological hesitation,
no historical humiliation,
no hateful miscommunication,
no toxic representation,
no reluctant accountability.
there wouldn’t be
all these damn distractions
you’ve left piling up
in corners of my mind
plaques to corrupt
that you never have to see
just letting it slowly bleed
quietly choking
all the self realizations
that were supposed to exist
but I’m not gonna die
before I let this all out,
I’m not gonna fade
before I unleash this shit
I’m breaking and reforming
like osteoclasts absorbing
and osteoblasts returning,
this spine to hold up chakras
not to be confused with
ignorant perfect harmony,
cause there is no perfection,
that’s the lie you expected,
the lie your rage inflicted,
the lie of white colonization.
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