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To know me

I need you to accept who I am.  
I need you to not doubt
what I have arrived at regarding who I am.
I need you to listen to what made me.
I know you know there is no right answer.
But I need you to accept my answer.
Not because it is right,
but because so much is wrong,
so much of me is wrong
and I need you to accept that wrongness.
I need to see that you understand what is wrong.
I need to see that you love that.
Once I see that, I grow.
Without it I wallow, I suffocate.
And I can live without love.
It is a different kind of pain.
A lesser pain than misdirected love.
But the wrongness made me.
I need to fix everything as I go.
But I know how to fix.
I know how to think.
I just want to know that you can trust me.
That you can trust my way.
You scare me in a good way.
I see you and me now
at the beginning of an adventure.
I am beginning to see your way.
I can see you changing my life.
I am impressionable because I choose to be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve because
I know most people won’t look,
but I want you to see it.
I embrace change and
it has allowed me to be where I am today.
I can see you making me a better person–
allowing me to continue to change.
I am poised to let go of so much
that has held me back for so long.
I have never been so close
to being liberated from so much negativity.
You are part of a completely new way of living for me.
I feel myself trusting you.
I understand the perception of self doubt and negativity.
I hope you can see my complete rejection of this, in my recent life events.
All the epic expressions of freedom in the form of personal adventures.
Because that was always me.
That was me when I was 10 with the knife.
No matter how bad it ever became, I was there underneath.
Without a mechanism of expression.
Any circumstances that recreate boundaries mimic these walls of youth.
My life for 7 years has been to remove all residual walls of my life.
To ensure there could never be new walls.
And there is a lot that could come across as unappealing for a relationship.
I know that these things are only continuing to fade.
With each new insurmountable obstacle overcome.
I need to know that this doesn’t scare you,
that it doesn’t drive you away,
that you understand I was always full of life,
but I had to resist the forces that were exhausting my passion for living.
I need you to accept this not because I am asking you to,
but because you understand and you like that about me.
I need you to be open to the idea of loving me
because everyday I am growing closer to you,
these miles in between seem irrelevant.
Every word you say to me is charged
and it evokes life within me that I haven’t felt before.
I can feel you talking to me in a way no one has before.
Unless you tell me this can’t work I am constantly sparked
with the same crescendo of feelings when I first talked to you,
when I lost my breath in the void between our lips
that we had already crossed, in order to feel everything.
There was something I didn’t want to tell you
because the context wasn’t right.
I need you to be open to loving me.
Because I am open to loving you.
I told myself I would try one more time.
I told myself there was some one that lived up to my wildest expectations.
I told myself that even though I was incredibly skeptical.
And then I met you in Nicaragua.
This doesn’t have to work.
But like you said, you can make it happen.
I don’t have to fall in love with you.
You don’t have to fall in love with me
even if perhaps I fall in love with you.
But I do know that you are the person
I was dreaming about when I was a child.
You are the person I created in my mind
after I matured and realized what I was drawn to,
when I stumbled upon everything that made me love life,
everything that I suspected existed in life when I was a child.
How could I be so lucky to meet you
I know that it doesn’t have to work.
But that doesn’t change the fact that you are a dream to me.
The only plan that survived from my youth.
The last thoughts before I fall asleep at night.
The happiness and peace that I feel momentarily
Every laugh, every smile that seems unprovoked,
Every shyness of eye contact, every intense gaze
Every loss of words is in the moment a consequence
of my inability to fight the forces of happiness to be near you,
or the excitement to look at you.
Always taking my words away,
always making me smile.
Your beauty is the most overwhelming piece in the complete idea
putting every interaction, every moment over the top
unable to fully handle any reciprocal feelings,
unable to come to peace with your beauty
always inciting passion, even when passion needs a refractory period.
I need you to not crush all of my dreams as they are expressed.
I can’t allow you to accept my admirations of your beauty,
feeling torn with that which has come to be cliche about such expressions
and a reduced capacity to accept the full intensity of what I see.
You can bring me down to earth about some things, like going to the moon.
But I hope you know how much more amazing you are than going to the moon,
how much more beautiful you are to me
than it would be to stand on the surface of the moon,
and stare at the unfiltered magnificence of the universe.
This cannot be cliche, this is my unique definition of beauty.
I am allowed to apply it accordingly.
You can never feel anything less than that.

(2014)

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