Loading...

Maybe

I wrote this on November 16th. Thought I'd share it since it doesn't matter anymore. We're done.

Maybe I really do hate you, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise.

Maybe I don’t hate you. Maybe I just hate what you did to me, what you put me through. This feeling of hatred for myself, this is what you brought me to. You turned my happiness into anger, my high self esteem into confusion, feeling as though I will never be good enough. There will always be someone better, someone to put over me. I used to wake with a sleepy smile, now only I wake with tears down my face. I am broken, and you broke me.

No, I broke myself.

All the trust I put in you, you left behind. You acted as though you didn’t care you would hurt me, knowing what the outcome would be, and you did it anyway. But once I was hurt, you regretted it, using the all too familiar line, “I never meant to hurt you,” which has proven to have only been a lie. You wanted to hurt me. You wanted to break me because you were breaking. So you did. You did what you knew would hurt me most. And maybe you regretted it. I know you did. But in the moment, you didn’t care. You just wanted me to be hurt. You wanted me to hate you. You wanted the satisfaction of watching me pretend that it doesn’t matter. You wanted to look in my eyes and see that you won. But when you did it brought no satisfaction, only hurt for yourself. Hurt for letting yourself drop to that level, stoop that low. Hurt for terrorizing the ones you love most. Was it worth it? Was it worth ruining what we had? Was it worth the tears and the anger and the feelings that you will have for the rest of your life? The feelings you’ve left me with? Was it worth it???

I hurt you.

I hurt you because you hurt me. I thought maybe I could move on with my life if I made you hate me. So I tried. I hated you. I did everything I could to make you despise me, but there wasn’t much I could do. Because unlike you, I couldn’t turn my cheek and pretend I didn’t care. I cared. I cared too much. I didn’t want to hurt you, that’s why I didn’t. Any pain I may have inflicted was purely by accident, caused by the destruction you left me with. But I truly never meant to hurt you.

It will never be the same, will it?

I will never be able to trust you. I gave you my trust time after time again and you tossed it away like an old rag. How can I love someone I cannot trust? How can I love someone who watched as I endured the pain and suffering he brought me? How can I be with someone who makes my heart ache with every smile he gives? How can I love you?
I can’t.

I can’t love you.

I have to love myself. I have to let go. I have to get away from the torturous memories, the pit in my stomach that has grown to fill my entire abdomen every time I see their faces or hear their names. I can’t love you when you broke me. I can’t love someone that holds the best memories of my life and the most painful. I can’t love someone who ripped me apart and left me broken and alone. We are no good for each other. We hurt each other. I hurt you. And you hurt me. And now it’s too late. Because we are both damaged beyond repair. We will never mesh the way we used to . We’d have to escape the pain, the people associated and never come back. Never speak of it again. Because the moment it is spoken, a name, or a phrase related, the memories will flood right back in.

It’s like a drug.

Once you’ve had it, you have to go through a mental rehab to escape it. But the minute its mentioned all of the memories come back, as if you’re injecting yourself again, the poison flowing through you, eating you from the inside out. And you can’t do anything about it. All you can do is go back to rehab. You have to detox. But no matter how many times you try, you can never erase it. You can never forget the feeling it brought you. It’s always gonna be there, lingering in the back of your mind, whispering amongst your thoughts. You can’t escape it. Your pain is a part of you. You can try for years. You can forgive yourself, forgive others, try your best to forget. But it will ALWAYS be there. It will never leave. You’re stuck with that pain for the rest of your life. But...

Maybe..

Maybe it’ll all be okay. Maybe we can love each other more than the pain, and we can move forward. Maybe you will learn from your mistakes and I will learn from mine as I have. Maybe you will realize that is wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth what you made yourself. It wasn’t worth what you made me... Maybe we’ll both figure it out and last forever. Live a long, happily-married life, filled with children and laughter and fun. Or maybe it will be just you and me, sitting on the couch, wheezing hand in hand as we slowly fade away. Maybe.

Maybe not...

(2015)

Liked or faved by...
Other works by Kay...



Top