I was 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant when my cervix started dilating and before the doctors decided to do something for it I was fully dilated. I went to the er three times that weekend, knowing something was wrong. He was still kicking and rolling around but I started getting cramps on July 4th at 1am and I started bleeding at 11am. I went to the small er with my partner instead of the main hospital, where the did a cervix exam and she said that my cervix was still closed. That gave me some relief but they never looked into the pain or why I was bleeding. They just said it was “normal”. I went back home after getting a Rhogam shot because of my blood type. The following morning I was in more pain and my bleeding had gotten heavier. I kept reminding myself that they said everything was okay and I didn’t have to worry about it. By 8 o’clock that night, I could hardly sleep with the pain and the bleeding had gotten even more heavy, so I made my second trip to the emergency room with a friend this time, so that my partner could get some rest even though he didn’t. I went to the main hospital hoping maybe they would try harder to help figure out what was wrong. After waiting for 3 hours in the waiting room, I went back for an ultra sound. The lady who did my ultra sound said my baby was perfectly healthy and right on track with growth. They were having a party in my belly, kicking around so much she had to wait 10 minutes for them to stop so she could measure their leg. She couldn’t see my cervix with the over the stomach doppler so she did a transvaginal. That’s when I knew something was very seriously wrong. She froze up and stopped talking. When I asked her if everything was okay she avoided my question and asked me to get dressed and get back into the wheelchair. I started panicking of course because it was obvious something was wrong. She tried to get me into a room immediately but nothing was available yet so she wheeled me back to the waiting room and before letting me get up to sit in a chair, she told me “I want you to stay right here and be as still as possible. Don’t get up for anything including the bathroom. They will be back here to get you as soon as we open up a room.” I waited for another hour until finally they came and got me. The doctor came in right away, a really friendly man. He told me my baby looked very healthy and was growing just the way they were supposed to. But.... my cervix had dilated. I later found out from paperwork I had dilated to 1.6 cm. He told me he would call the on call obgyn, who actually happened to be the obgyn I would be seeing in a few weeks because I was put on high risk a week before this. He explained to me the seriousness of the situation and told me there was a possibility of getting cervix stitches to stop the dilation, but it was the on call doctors choice. I waited another 45 minutes for the doctor to come back with my options. He came in and told me my doctor had suggested I start with progesterone suppositories, being that this was my 6th baby with 5 other miscarriages, he wanted to make sure my cervix would respond to the progesterone and told me to come see him first thing Monday morning. It’s now 3 o’clock in the morning on Saturday July 6th, and I just got told I’m moving into possibly having a miscarriage of a healthy baby and they gave me fucking suppositories and told me to see a doctor in two days. Mind you, I’m livid at this point. I packed my things up and changed back into my clothes and signed their discharge paperwork. I couldn’t believe they were sending me home again, with no relief for the pain and even worse news than I came in with. I felt so alone and disregarded, like my baby’s life didn’t matter but hey they’re the doctors, it’s their job to know what best for me, right? So I went home. My partner did everything he could to comfort and reassure me that everything would be okay. I barely managed to get any sleep as the pain kept progressing and I forgot that I was supposed to eat and drink. By noon I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I called my mother in law who was on vacation, knowing when she got home she would take me into the hospital and make sure they did something for me. She drove home immediately and we left her house at 2 o’clock when she saw that I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand straight when it came and I was lying on the floor because it was the most comfortable place. She took me back to the main hospital and they did my vitals immediately when I told them I was soaking a pad an hour with blood and they saw the pain I was in. My heart rate was way too high and my blood pressure was bordering low, so they made me wait while they called triage to take me back right away. Triage asked their normal questions and then told me they couldn’t take me up to labor and delivery because I wasn’t 20 weeks yet, I was only 19 weeks and 4 days. My mother in law insisted they try so the nurse called them and thankfully they accepted me. I went up and they put a monitor over my belly and confirmed I was having contractions. They did a doppler of my baby’s heart beat and the nurse said she was sad, because the heart beat was great. I knew my baby was okay because they sure did love to kick, that was my reminder that they were there and still doing well. The on call doctor came in and requested another exam, which she did almost immediately and she told me she didn’t have good news. My cervix was fully dilated and the water bag was bulging already. My baby was too young and whether I wanted to or not they were coming out, but there wasnt anything they could do to keep them alive. My baby would die today. She offered me pain medication or an epidural to help with the contractions, but told me either way she had to have an IV before she could break my water. I told her I’d do the pain medication but no epidural. They brought in 3 nurses while I was lying in bed experiencing the worst pain of my life, knowing I would lose my baby soon and there was nothing I could do about it. They tried for 40 minutes to get an IV on me, but were having absolutely no luck no matter how hard the three of them tried. I was crying in pain, rolling around on the bed with no way to make it stop or find relief but the 3-5 seconds I had between contractions to gulp air down. All the nurses kept telling me I was doing awesome and I would be okay but I wasn’t okay, I wasnt going to be okay. My mother in law did everything in her power to comfort me and to be my strength through what was coming. She held my hand and reminded me to breathe. When I told her I couldn’t do it she told me yes you can. I was fighting so hard to make this stop even though I knew my struggles were pointless. But I didnt want to give up so I kept fighting, refusing to push hoping maybe it would just stop. Maybe it would be okay... I had started to lose feeling in my toes, like that awful numb tingly feeling you have when you let your leg fall asleep. The pricks of big needles feeling. It started in my toes and worked it’s way up my arms and hands where the nurses were still trying for that IV. I started seeing black spots from not having enough time to breathe and hyperventilating to try and get air between contractions. I couldn’t bend my fingers anymore to squeeze my mother in laws hand. I broke inside, knowing I wouldn’t be able to fight it much longer. I was losing strength. But I didnt want this to happen. This couldn’t be happening to me. I couldn’t lose my baby.... My legs were shaking uncontrollably and I was worried I’d have a seizure soon if I couldn’t keep myself under control. That’s when it hit me that I was only hurting myself and my baby worse by fighting. The doctors already said there was nothing they would do. That this was happening whether I wanted it to or not. And against all of my will, for the sake of my baby not being in pain, I let go. I stopped fighting the contractions, I just let them happen. And almost immediately, the water bag came through, completely intact. The nurses called in my doctor and she delivered my baby with one push. This was right when my partner showed up, he came in and saw what was happening and froze because no one had had the time to tell him what was happening to us. He walked in not knowing what he was walking into. The look on his face crushed me to the core as reality hit. The doctor told me that it was a boy, and that he was still alive. She offered to us both to cut the cord but I was in shock and pain and couldn’t bear to do it. Neither could he. So she cut the cord and she handed him to me, he was still kicking and wriggling around, my tiny little baby boy was in my arms. I couldn’t stop from shaking and I let the tears run free, watching him try to breathe with struggled efforts. I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. I couldn’t believe I was watching my son die in my arms, and the only thing I could do was hold him, and touch him, and let him know I was right there. I held him for a long time, I don’t even know how long while my partner and his parents sat around us, talking about how he looked so much like his father, which he did. He took one last try at a breath, and I knew that would be the last time. I felt my heart tear to pieces and I wanted to scream. My baby boy died in my arms. Against all odds, I was the 2%. I was the 2% whose cervix wouldn’t stay closed. I was the 2% whose healthy baby would die because my body wouldn’t do its job. I was no longer a mother, but a grieving mother. I would never get to watch my son grow up. I would never get to feed him, or hear him cry. I would never get to hold him close at night and sing him lullabies. I would never get to be the mother he deserved to have, and give him the life I wanted him to have. He was gone. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I could do to help myself. All I could do was cry. And that’s all I did. Cry. I wished so much for him to come back to me. To go back to the night before and make them do something so that this never happened. To go back and feel his kicks again, because Lord knew I already missed them more than words could describe. I will never forget these moments. This feeling of pain aching inside of me. The uncontrollable tears that run down my face, even when I don’t feel like crying. We left the hospital empty handed that day and a piece of my soul went with his. On July 6th of 2019 my son Dakoda Michael Orr died, and so did a part of me.