The day he stumbled into my life, was a tragedy. I was happy .. I was wanted .. I felt special. I was ... Inlove though it never hit me until right now. His witty comments, his impelling attitude.  Late night drives singing what I was believed to think was our songs.. When we made love ... Not sex but love. His gentle Care for every emotion, every whimper, every god hidden tear. The way he held me close and forced that deathening poison of a kiss. The look he gave when I knew he was broken. “I felt wanted by her” he said once to me. Was I not giving that to you!? He wasn’t in love with me, I knew for that he had told me. I didn’t want to believe it, I was so foolish to be okay with having him as my fling just to be crushed and my heart broken in pieces.I never saw it coming so quick to just receive a text saying I’m done.. I atleast thought I ment more to him than that but apparently not. As killing as it was, and I knew how broken I was about to become I had my heart and sole crushed once more on Augest 09th. To just be standing there.. Helpless. His body inches away from mine yet it was no longer mine. This was it ... He was leaving.. And I began to crumble like an earthquake. I have never cried a single tear so meaningful since that afternoon. Day after day I sat all alone, hidden from the real world depressed, forgotten, and wanting to be vanished. Leave me and my bashed apart heart alone. Yet he ran back into my life for a short three days, to only capture my heart again, leaving me venerable, and tempted. Toying with my emotions because I gave him the  chance to. I let my weakest point shine out, and it was abused instantly. This is why I can never love the same again. And everynight when I stare at out pictures or messages we once shared, I’m forced to wonder, how could I love such a monster?He did this constantly.. Again he came knowing I was trying my god dam hardest to move on, and drag every emotion away from him. I couldn’t though, I wanted to see him .. To hear his voice I vowed that was all that I would let happen. So I sent a text . I pulled my vehicle beside  that stupid Car where so many memories that held in there.. I got in and sat down. At first it was awkward . We drove up and down mainstreet for hours. I swear he had to have played every song we have every sang together or shared together . I sang each song like I was praising it towards him. I wanted to touch him so joking I knew he was ticklish, I was falling for the trap. He took it for only so long before he said “ I fucking wish you were single so I could grab your face and kiss it intensely right now.” Honestly I wanted it to happen so bad so I continues poking him and tickling him. we got to the four way where I happened to look into his eyes and his locked with mine. His had reached towards my face and locked into my hair, pulling me forcefully to his lips where I was poisoned. I loved it, I craved it and I needed it.I spent that night with him until the break of dawn surround by the darkness and the hidden devil. Again he left and I felt empty, empty like a finished drink and throw into the recycling so I could be used for someone else? You play with me some more with words of “i miss you” “im sorry” “I’ll see you soon” and “your beautiful”. Was I only beautiful because of how desperate I was to be his again even if it was for only a moment? What felt like love to me every time he sang our songs, talked of our past or traces his fingers along my back. How could I be so stupid, go ahead ignore my texts tell me you are leaving for the 5th time now and you won’t say goodbye only to save me from the drowning in my tears. Sure just leave again like that Christmas gift I gave you didn’t matter, like lying to my parents just to spend the night wasn’t a risky choice, and that ever soft yet passionate kiss I laid on your lips wasn’t real. I was just a piece of a game to you, there for all the fun even when I lose.. Ya sure I find another boy who actually gives me the world and their heart. But how can one commit when they dream of their first love that vanished with a forced goodbye. So I’ll change my man into the The one I once loved, hold me like he use to, kiss me when the same tenderness he did and maybe I can pretend to love you. It’s like a viscous cycle that repeats of hurting those who want to give you their feelings and love. So can you really be with a women who you can’t please because when your holding her each night she’s closing her eyes imagining that one that broke her heart. The one that taunts her in everyday because she wasn’t good enough or so it seem, you keep her locked up and stuck so she could never love another man. First date questions with anyone new " can you be with a women you cannot please?