"It will be okay in the end. If it is not okay than it is not the end" Ed Sheeran

How do you feel today?
I know I seem like a big ball of smiles and laughter but it’s my mask,
like what make up is or and actual mask.
Smiles laughs and jokes mostly these are shown at school,
where everyone is happy just because they get to see their friends.
I on the other hand dread seeing my friends because just one slip up
one little crack and they know,
but it gets so hard to hide everything only showing it when I am alone in my room.
I lose my jumper and I just wait till some one sees the scars,
old memories, stories and fresh cuts.
I ran out finding bracelets for my wrists but it gets too hard when i can’t go do anything.
Too high up my arm or too hot or they are just all over.
It gets hard when all I want to do all day is cry or hide in my room
with a hot water bottle and sleep, walk around hugging my favourite teddy or pillow,
listen to my favourite song on repeat but I have to leave the house and go to school.
I do and I hide them the best I can, I hide my feeling with smiles maybe crack a few jokes. When people ask how I am I say
“Yeah I am great” or
“fine”
followed by a smile and look of worry from my closest friends and a shrug from others. They know I do it but they don’t know how badly or how many times I do it.
I wonder if I will ever have to courage to tell others close to me,
but then I remember when someone started an argument with me over how people who selfharm or put them in harmful situations are weak
people who are strong punch a wall or shed a tear or two
but not selfharm but people who are strong enough to hold on that little bit longer and put on a happy face to not worry the people around them, they are strong.
How people who kill themselves are weak and can’t handle anything but they are strong I know because I was there once, and I held on.
Hold on and I promise it will get better,
it will be okay in the end. If it is not okay than it is not the end
I don’t promote selfharm, I suffer from it.

(2014)

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