it can suck

I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a way through this world
I covered my arms and thigh in scars,
hoping to feel something other than indescribable nothing.
I’ve hid away from the world with my long sleeves and endless nights
I wanted to be like everyone else so I smiled and laughed,
I wanted to be around people so badly while I wanted to be alone.
The world just seemed to grow larger in making me uneasy
and many say they feel nothing, sometimes it is an absence of feeling
other times it is not knowing how you feel and but you know it ain’t happy.
Small things make you happy, they whisk you away from your reality.
At times I would dream and I would see myself,
I would see as voices inhabited by body and ate away at me,
I was slowing dying inside while my breath bring warm life in the air.
Seeing people laughing around you while a weak smile shows
I tiny laugh just to show some life,
I thought I was out of time.
As many around thrived with life, I slowly gave into the idea of death.
I felt it was not a friend but someone with open arms.
I didn’t necessarily want to die, in fact I fear death and what comes after.
I just wanted to feel, not the hate I felt for my body that was growing,
the hips, the butt, the thighs, the tummy.
I want to feel something that wasn’t loneliness
because I didn’t look like the other girls,
the ones on tv and mags and even on the street.
I wanted to feel, I wanted to truly know what nothing was
while also being free of what is surrounding me.
I grew with scars and wine red lines.
I grew knowing that maybe it would be better that maybe this wouldn’t.
I like maybe, but I love certainty.
It got to the point where I thought that I was going to die,
I didn’t care for the unresolved.
I just wanted to be gone.
I got to the edge not knowing how I was going to do it
I cowered,
this is why I fear death more than ever.
Because I had called his name
were acquaintances.
He still calls

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