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Because

I lay in the tub submerged to the brink of my nostrils
Skin nearly scalded by the freshly ran water
Vision blackened by the layer of bubbles at the surface
That is thicker than my skin
I do this because I imagine this is the closest reenactment
Of the time when my mother loved me
 
I make a nest of my bed
Making it neatly and specifically for my shape before I sleep
While in the morning I don’t bother to reset it
I do this because I’ve never had a real home
Like a bird I make the best with what I have
Yet am prepared to leave it all behind
 
I sleep in the fetal position, folded into myself
Daring to shrink into nothing, disappearing in my sheets
I do this because of the abuse, and no matter how much I grow past it
A tiny part of me will always want to vanish
 
I cuddle and may come across as clingy
Seemingly annoying and overbearing at times
I do this because I’ve been abandoned countless time
By those who should always be by my side
 
I make plans and seemingly never follow through
Wanting to better myself, mentally and physically
Yet there never seems to be a finish line
I do this because there is a side of me that questions what for
 
I obsess over Roman portraits of nude goddesses
The way the women are thick yet still praised
You could sled down her curves unlike the sticks we idolize today
I do this because this is the closest symbolism of beauty that resembles me
 
I write all my flaws and reasons down so I may appreciate them
So that maybe someday you may understand me
And come to accept me as the peculiar girl I am

(2014)

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