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Poem: WHO!

who do they think they are my family,
the one i was born into
the one I got blood traces to in particular
parts of me look around with disdain
and wonder why am i
doing all this?
 
why do i care
why does anyone care?
 
couldn’t the peaceful slumber
that death’s cold hand
grant me the peace that i so
desperately need these days?
 
wouldn’t he come galloping into view
lay his hands on me.
tell me that i made the right
choices and allow me to
drink his deadly tea,
slipping into the endless night.
 
like a blade into my skin,
that allows the blood to well
out and go slipping, dripping
down my arm, lifeless
to puddle at my feet.
 
an evil being in the making
but not one that even the elves
on night’s eve could be
fixed by their thinking that I am their slave?
 
Do this! You are this! in a
world in which they also live?
 
tears, he no longer has–
for a family that no longer sees him or
that no longer cares about him.
that will toss him out with the
garbage and yesterdays,
old news.
 
on the other hand,
shame & dispair
i feel it deep inside
the over-whelming sense
that I have let her down again.
 
i’m struggling
with this knowledge
with these thoughts
a many blades in hand
soft flesh,
ready for the sting
 
the blood means nothing
as it drips down my arm.
ink blots of dead passion
spreading across the paper.
an illusion only.  
thank God.
 
i can weep no more tears…
i’m truly in remorse now
none of this matters
as the shame lingers endlessly.
 
the pain,
my only companion...
 
but like a thief in the night
keeping me awake
touching my very soul
reminding me that i
have to fight on again...
 
again, yes, again I seek out forgiveness
wishing that what had been done
against you could be less shameful.
but that way is not the way it works
 
i must find other ways to release the pain
to write them out the way i have done
before, writing just for me…
 
  my thoughts shared for You.
my mind split open for You
i keep no secrets from You
i had not even anymore thought to try.
 
i spill my thoughts open for your clawing fingers
i await the punishment that I know will soon follow
i welcome it…
because without it i can never be clean again
i can never be yours again
i can never hope to make you proud
 
in the end fear grabs me
late at night or
early in the morning
any time that the pain is so blinding,
that I can not breathe
and then it consumes me.
 
that pain….
like your hands strangling me
killing me…
sucking the very life from me…
 
wondering when the vision will hit again.
why it won’t disappear?
why I can’t make it go away?
lock it up
behind the heavy doors,
of hell.
 
shame,
so much shame
here and there and everywhere.
 
A new country,
a new home…
fear...
it does not matter inside
or continue...
my heart…
my soul…
broken
crippled
dead.
 
love…
truth.
is it really?
or will it be like it always is..
 
Stupid
to never have reported
the truth
the pain
the violence
done to me.
 
the past,
always to repeat itself.
why is that?
What is wrong with me?
that I attract those that hurt me
or that hurt those that I love…
 
was he right when he said that
I should have pressed that gun
to my head…
saved him the embarrassment
after the first rape,
taken my life,
given him the peace
he says he deserved.
 
Do I deserve the right to be happy
for once?

(2015)

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