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I wish I was leaving

I kept pushing you away
but you wouldn’t give up
you kept knocking and knocking on the doors of my heart
until you left your imprint on the windows to my soul
and I let you back in.
Now you’re my whole world
and i can’t stand it.
It hurts,
and i detest
this feeling called love
that makes me so powerless
and helpless
I guess that’s why they call it love sick
because when i leave you
I can’t eat
I can’t sleep
and my body shakes
and I want to puke
but nothing comes out
so i take you back
and I’m better for a while...
 
I can’t seem to live without it
now that I’ve got a taste of it,
all i can think about 24/7 is you.
I can’t even live in the present
Putting all my hope into the future
and living on the past,
surviving on meaningless texts
and calls where nothing is said,
I don’t know why I bother charging my phone,
but I’m Facebook stalking
and being the type of girl I never wanted to be.
But it hurts me to ignore you
and sometimes it seems impossible to try,
I know I need to end it for good
because this second guessing love is getting old,
but I don’t want to be alone.
And I don’t have the strength
because I  know what it feels like to lose you
like my heart broke into pieces
and my soul was torn in half.
It took a year to just to get the pieces back
and I don’t want to survive another year of that.
But being in a long distance relationship with you is not enough.
Especially when I’m not even sure if being with you is enough
but I won’t make the mistake of cutting you off again
because I’m too weak to do that and I’ll just take you back
and that’ll just be another crack in both of our hearts
so I’ll just try my best to ease off you
slowly, but hopefully if god is gracious surely
because I feel like loving you is killing me...

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