“Thank you calling Doctor Quactor.
We are located somewhere in California.
Our office hours are 1 PM until 1:30 PM.
Please listen to these options:
If you have a broken leg, press 1.
If it is the femur, press 2.
If it is the fibula, press 3.
If the bone is sticking through, press 4.
If the bone looks kind of funky, press 5.
If the bone looks real funky, press 6.
If your leg is turning green, press 7.
If it is pointed in the wrong direction, press 8.
If you find yourself running sideways, press 9.
If your leg looks like a fried alligator, press 10.
If that alligator starts running after you, press 11.
If you think it looks kind of sexy, press 12.
If you continue seeing strange things, press 13.
If everything is turning black, press 14.
If you can’t feel anything anymore, press 15.
If rigor mortis is about to set in, press 16.
If you see a white light, press 17.
If you are flying up to heaven, press 18.
If you have a medical emergency, press 19.
If you want to speak to a doctor,
This is the revised poem with the same name. I like this one better, but the original was published in "Carles Carter Anthologies." I didn't think it was as funny as this one.