all of these miles; all this time anddistance.
i’m constantly worrying that you will grow more distant,
as i sit and lose the very best friendship
that i’ve ever had. how can i fix this? it’s scary that:
you have a hold, strongest that i’ve ever known.
magnetic force that has grown
to build my foundation of house and home.
but now you’re all alone.
and when baby girls starts asking us question
how can we explain why her daddy is gone.
everyday i’m on the phone
confessing my love, saying that our time will come,
that i’m missing your hugs
then dismissing the memories, proceed to drug
then get drug, by little white pills and frosty mugs.
but the truth is:
im very scared
you say i never cared
damn that isn’t fair
but the problem lies right there
cause all my lies have me snared,
i feel fear.
retreat to my mental layer,
look blankly and stare.
and although lately it seems
we’re both less hateful and mean.
i wonder if it’s due to all this distance between?
or maybe we finally say things that are exactly what they mean.
let it all come out in the was
but are the clothes really clean?
because the secrets
i could no long keep it.
i told the truth, collapsed your roof,
and then found you at your weakest.
i found my weakness. my knees weaken.
and successfully f*cked up everything over one weekend
of drunken sneakin’
it’s got me thinking....
or so i thought. that i was better than that.
that i’d given all that i got.
but the results came back and i was only rewarded
with a shoulder smeared of your tears, insecurities, fears and snot.
but im still thankful. even though it’s still painful.
that i could be there,
that you’d let me.
after i left your heart mangled.
ripped apart, like a balled of yarn played with by a baby bengal.
stomach tangled, self-hatred, feel shameful,
but what’s my angle?
cause i always have an ultimatum. or so i hear.
from all the people who feel i’d played them. don’t get to near.
but the fog is lifting, i feel uplifted.
finally seeing clear.
and my heart you had lifted, stuck in your pock.
please, just keep it there.
see forever, i wanna breathe the same air.
soak up you atmosphere.
tell you i love you, you’re beautiful and stroke your hair.
honestly. the thought haunted me.
never wanted it all to be over.
especially after only four short years, but i was rarely sober,
unable to get my daughter birthday presents.
just be stable, be present.
the only thing she wanted was my presence.
lowly, like a peasant.
self-loathing, but i can’t get depressive.
can’t help but stress it, god bless it.
I’ve Finally Learned My Lesson.