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146 Butterflies

There’s words written on the walls of my room
The rain holds voices and screams that consume
My thoughts
My roaring tummy
The voices get louder
They find me funny
My pathetic state
My useless limbs
It feels the ceiling is crashing and caving in
I can almost feel the creak of the stairs
The pull of the blade
The addiction so crazy it drives me insane
There are butterflies in my eyes
There are butterflies in my skin
They beckon me forward
They want me to let them in
There are moths in the sky
Making me choke and cry
Filling my mouth and covering my eyes
But the butterflies can still be seen
They still shine
And while I drown a while I let things settle
I never imagined I could feel so little
So much force in smaller things
When hundreds come together
They can make it rain
I’m blinded by the ghosts of my past
My future holds nothing but a broken flask
Drinking away sorrows and inhaling the blast
An atomic war is in my grasp
If I reach forward
Through all of the pain
Could I reach what still shines?
The butterflies that still remain
A hundred butterflies
A million moths
These bleeding lungs show red when I cough
Can I let a single wing
Beautiful and strong
Touch my fingertip
Will it help me move along?
There are moths in the sky
Making me choke and cry
Filling my mouth and covering my eyes
But the butterflies can still be seen
They still shine
And while I drown a while I let things settle
I never imagined I could feel so little
So much force in smaller things
When hundreds come together
They can make it rain
Must I really believe
In something hard to see
All I have to do is reach
And let one touch me
I reach out in the swarm of black
I reach out my arm
My wrist, my hand
I point out my finger and stretch as far as I can
And just like that the beauty lands
It brightens my room
It brightens my life
All the moths fall and die
It’s no longer night
I look to my hand
The butterfly still there
It gives me hope
It gives me strength with its stare
I look up to the walls
The ceiling, the sky
All that I see
Are beautifully winged butterflies

(2013)

This was during my fight against self-harm.

#Butterflies;DreamsHarm;Hope;Moths;SelfSuccess;

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