Yesterday
Was the first day I had suicidal thoughts in a long time
I took a long, boiling hot shower
And just fucking cried
I wanted to rip my eyes out
Not that anyone cares
There’s nothing anyone can do
I can’t even do anything
They just think I’ll get over it in time
But that’s not the case
Not this time
I’m bloody fucking miserable
And I hate it
Because I deserve it
But I don’t want to bring everyone else down with me
I’m really sick
All the time
There’s only so much I can do
I have nothing to prove
Because I am what I am
I am who I am
And I can’t change
Though I have every wish to do so
Though I try as I might to achieve it
I’ll always just be
Sick
And worthless
Me
 
I wanted to stay in that shower
And soak in my misery
Drown in my bloody mouth
From biting down on my tongue
I wanted to rip my eyes out
And burn my flesh beyond recognition
It’d be one thing if I was the only one who would suffer
It’d be completely different under different circumstances
I wanted to stop breathing
Have my lungs collapse
Just as I had
I wanted anything but the memories
Anything but my thoughts
I’d rather have pain
Agony
Excruciating torment
Then this shallow
Hollow
Grave
I call
Home
 
It’s a beautiful, yet tragic thing
This gift is
To see all this beauty
And feel all this pain
It’s truly a beautifully tragic life I lead

(2014)

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