Freeform Thought
I cried myself through to sleep
And cried violently back awake
How does this make me strong in your eyes?
I find it annoying, don’t know why you wouldn’t run away
And yet you’re already running away
Everything’s up in the air
And it’s just like lawn darts
No matter what hits me first
I’ll still probably end up in pain
Alternatives don’t help; they’re called that for a reason
Because it’s not the main plan
Just small thoughts to sooth my mind
While the inevitable still finds it’s way to the foreground
I see it coming, I stopped dreaming long ago.
But Im fighting it anyway
Because I’m stubborn and stupid, greedy and needy.
And because I know what I want, and what I can’t live without.
Figuratively split down the middle is much worse than the real thing, because I’m still alive to feel the hurt.
They call this growing up, don’t they?
God, what a sad race we are.
I wish I could put down the pen and fall back asleep, but what would that fix?
It would just waste time that I don’t have, time that could save us.
But time seems daily to be wearing thin, from the future to months to weeks.
What’s to say tomorrow wont make it days?
And yet Im not there in your arms, and it makes me sick.
Im not where I should be while there’s still a chance to be held.
I don’t want to be alone. They say I won’t be.
They don’t understand what it means.
The boy in the back of the class is surrounded by peers, but they still call him lonely.
The shy one drinking nervously in the corner meets the rough shoulders of many, but they’re surely more happy than he.
I’m lying Im bed in a house full of loved ones, and yet the air has never seemed more silent.
If I cared, I’d be trying to stop you.
But if I didn’t care, I’d be away and asleep.
So do I not care enough? Am I simply too weak?
All the trying in the world hasn’t left me a compromise, maybe I just lack what keeps two from becoming one.
Sure seems that way. If I were a religious man I’d blame it on some trickster god.
But there are no gods; just my inability to commit to a path.
And so I’ll sit here in darkness, and silently scream away.
(2013)
