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A Poem about Assault..

And about victim-shaming culture...
And about adjusting to a reality where most people have to deal with this shit

It’s okay what you did
Because I was way too drunk
And I was a little too friendly—
Or because of the way I was dressed;
A cropped shirt and jeans
And white shoes that’d get stained with
Mud-splatter reminders that no,
It was not a dream
 
Or it’s probably okay what you did
Because I didn’t push you away like I should have
Because I didn’t fight against you
Because I don’t completely remember,
But I couldn’t find the words “no,” “stop”
So I guess I cooperated.. enough
Because I didn’t want to face it anymore,
So I never tried to report it..
Right?
 
Tell me,
When did you make that decision?
When was the moment when I gave you
One too many seconds of my attention?
Sometime between me saying I had no intentions
Walking me home because my friends had left me
And the time you left the next morning
Did you think that you would take advantage of me that night?
Do you realize that you did?
 
I’ve spent months feeling dirty,
Trying to convince myself that what happened wasn’t my fault
That I didn’t lead you on
That I didn’t “ask for it”
I struggled to be close to someone I love
Who I trust with my life—
He touched me once and I broke down
Couldn’t breathe steadily, crying for hours
I pay myself through therapy now
Because if I ask my family for help they’ll ask too many questions
Still, I feel a little incomplete, broken
By one otherwise insignificant boy.
 
I don’t go anywhere alone anymore,
Because I don’t trust men, or anyone really.
I thought I saw you at my workplace last month
And I broke down all over again.
I’ll never go back to the “pig pen”
And I don’t drink at all anymore
Unless I’m in my own home, never ever around a stranger.
I’m re-learning how to live in this world completely
A world where a majority of people have to deal with this same damned thing.
You, in a few hours, changed my life completely
And I’m not sure you even remember what happened

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