Breathe
Once I tried to see how long I could hold my breath
Once I blinked and looked around and stopped breathing completely
It felt suffocating
I was being shoved into a void
I started shaking
My body wanted to gasp
But I didn’t let my body control me
Nothing can kill you
when you’re already dead inside
When you’re already dead
You can hold your breath
When you’re already dead
You can close your eyes and just stop
Nothing matters
When you’re already dead
Don’t breathe in.
And the shaking subsided
And my body relaxed
My vision dimmed
I saw stars
Constellations flashed before my eyes
Putting on a display for the girl who doesn’t breathe
Watching her last light show
Before she gives up forever
Don’t breathe in.
And I did not need air
I was calm
At peace with the idea of being dead
Inside
Outside
Forever
Don’t breathe in.
You start to understand that
When you’re dead inside
You don’t need to breathe
Nothing can break
A million shards
They are already unfixable
The hopes and dreams
Of a dead girl are gone forever
Don’t breathe in.
Gasp.
Gasp.
Gasp.
The air comes rushing back
The stars fade away
Everything is put into perspective
And you breathe in
Once
Twice
Again and again
Breathe in.
And you know that you are not a dead girl
And you know that you are not fully lost inside
And you know there is still something left to kill
Something left to break
And something left to save
Breathe in.
I wrote this poem when I was in a dark time.
