MEMO 6: FUCK ME UP, by bat | poems, essays, and short stories in Poeticous

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bat

MEMO 6: FUCK ME UP

i’m trying to give you cardiac arrest.

i’m trying to drink your blood like marceline.

i hate your guts; can i fuck them up?

don’t be gentle,

i want to scream at the top of my lungs,

fuck me up, fuck me up, fuck me up.

i want to put my whole life into words:

fuck. me. up.

in other words: beat the everloving shit out of my heart

i’m naming all my scars now,

you’re the one on my chest.

which name do you want?

i’m naming the scars on my hips

brenda, sharon, and helen.

they’re all women ‘cause nobody fucks me up like my mama.

i’m trying to fuck you up,

baby girl, baby boy.

with your white picket fence and your blue kitchen walls.

you say you miss what it was like being a little kid,

and i’m fucking angry,

because i missed what it was like being a little kid.

fuck you, i swear to god.

i’m trying to fuck you up.

you need something wrong with you, and here i am.

i hope i break your heart.

i hope i’m a scab you can’t stop picking.

i hope i’m the voice in your head.

i’m trying to fuck up your bake sales,

your cake walks, your afterschool cookies.

i’m pouring out your milk and breaking your mirrors.

i hope i ruin places for you.

i hope i ruin the smell of coconut for you.

i hope i make tears mean something for you.

i need to hurt you in places you didn’t think were possible.

i need to make your lungs ache like nic or sobs.

baby, i’ve really got to fuck you up.

#ResentmentSexIntimacyRelationshipsObsessionTraumaProjectionAngerRageMommyIssuesChildhoodTrauma

Other works by bat...

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i’ve got, “i miss you” carved over and over again on my sternum. skin raised and red, but it’ll dull down to a scar. just like the ones on your forearms that i saw when it was just you ...

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i love it when fading sunlight hit… lighting up my eyes and every line… then, i start understanding why i… but, when it’s not dawn or dusk, i’ll close the blinds and curtains…

suck it up, buttercup

he’s full of tuesdays and peonies, and i’m made up of saturdays and b… so he says, forgive and forget, and i say, get high and throw dart… he’s got his arms open wide

learned knowledge

i love you and isn’t that it? isn’t that a slur? to say i love you, when your father spilled that

sit across from me, with no space in between. chest again chest, and our legs folded awkwardly. wrap your arms around my neck,

stockholm, sweden

i loved you. i think it’s importan… i stored love for you in places i… i loved you in states of yours tha… i loved you. when you screamed so loud that the…

terms of service

do you love me, genuinely? don’t scoff and say, “yes, of cour… think about it for a minute. do you love me? when i’m crying like we’ve got roo…

i gave you open front doors, swing… i left you out in my backyard with… it’s not my fault you stayed like… i screamed your name over a coal e… standing in the middle of the trai…

always a victor, always a fucker. always a loser, always a fucked. so it goes. so it burns.

trying not to cry in the holiday i… my mama said something mean again

i’m asking you to sunbake me, politely. i want to melt into the cracks, like earth-ending dinosaur juice.

morals have aesthetic criteria

there’s something about flowers an… you ask someone why they pick flow… “because they’re pretty.” you ask someone why they pull weed… “because they’re ugly.”