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It was allowed

What do you want with my man?... I asked... never expecting a response that truly would allow me to feel so inadequate, so inferior, so incapable of fulfilling the desires of the one that I love, the one that for 12 years have loved unconditionally and all I ever asked in return was honesty and loyalty.... nah bitch, what does your man want with me???... was her response. Now... my initial reaction was to pound this chicks face in because she KNEW what he had at home. She KNEW that I wasn’t some random chick, that I wasn’t his girlfriend. She KNEW that I was his wife, the mother of 3 of his kids, a hard working woman, devoted, loyal and they KNEW this about me. Feeling completely betrayed and beyond disrespected, I wanted to ruin both of them. Days went by, weeks went by, years went by and I became more and more angry, where I felt like I wasn’t enough, like I had to change constantly to try to fit his criteria, try to satisfy him and his wants and needs. There were things I knew I wasn’t gonna do but did in fear of losing the man that I loved dearly. I allowed my morals to be tampered with... I allowed the wall that I built so confidently to be shattered to pieces. My energy, my power became his and he knew it. As I sat there angry, I had to realize, she is only doing what he allows her to do... so for her to laugh at me, question our relationship, continue to reach out knowing how I feel about it... is all because he makes them think that it’s ok. If he doesn’t respect me... how can I expect these bitches to??? ... although the response made me cringe, made Me feel angry, and violent... its the truth... what is it that he wants from you?.... I will never be enough for him but I have to be enough for me starting now.

(2015)

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