Lying half asleep I hear the phone ringing off the hook and the ring was different it seemed as if someone on the other line was calling out of desperation to be heard ... As I open my eyes I see my step dad and he is yelling at me to get everyone ready... I knew by facial expression this could not be a good thing... My heart instantly raced pumping blood through my veins and shooting adrenaline throughout my body... I jumped and threw on clothes making my job not to show my anxiety or emotions to my brother and sisters.... As we rode to the hospital my heart sank and at that time it felt like a tidal wave!!!!!!!! As if some force beyond my control had turned my life upside down ... As I walked to the door of the hospital I feel the struggle of each step as I gasp for air and ask god for the strength to survive this disaster... When I hear the words that my mother is no longer with us... I could not breath it consumed me... All day I felt buried alive .... When the night came I saw within arm’s reach a bottle of vodka... I was 17 at the time... I took a swig and I could feel air in my lungs... I was catching my breath.... I no longer felt the restraints of emotions.. I was no longer a victim but instead life of the party.... As years passed I figured it has not been that hard to keep float as long as I drank to the point of alcoholic slumber.... Recent events have occurred.. I realized that my treading motions were actually just the current of the sea of emotions and that in reality my world had always been consumed ........

After 14 years I finally come to the surface.... I gasp for air as if it was my last breath... I swim through life and now I have finally made it to shore... I must have been under for many years because the look on some of their faces are surprising... As if I was an Extraterrestrial being..... I hear laughter from a far... I run towards because I get an instant warmth as if I had drank hot coco and a cold day.... But as I run towards the laughter the farther it seems to be... So I slow down and realize I’m not chasing anyone but the memory of my mother... She was the cause of laughter where ever we went... Her wit... Her way of making you feel like she was your best friend... She was my best friend... So I come to realize something even more... With humor my mother lives... And with each laugh I cause the happier I get because when I close my eyes I can hear her tell another blonde joke... She was blonde... But I also feel sadness but on a scale of dipping your foot in a cold pool... Because with every laugh the memory of her replays ... She is gone ..... I let out a laugh that even the heavens could hear and I say... Mom I’m sober and I’m alive.... So we live!!!!!!!!!!