Loading...

What was I?

I fell in love with a married woman and cheated on her. To write this out makes me feel ashamed to call myself a human being. I deserve nothing but the plagues that are written in the book of salvation. I was a child; blind, greedy, wreck less, stupid, selfish, heartless, soulless. I had no idea how to handle my emotions and my lust for the flesh. I had no cares other than my own desires, my own need for self satisfaction. I spoke of love as if I understood how to live by my words. They were like knifes cutting into the souls of everyone around me. I felt like every action I committed had a good reason. I felt like the center of the universe. All shall live to please me. All shall understand why I did the things that I did. Everyone deserved to be punished by me. Do you not know who I am? Do you not know that I am the special one? Do you not know that your goal is to please me. I am allowed to lie and not fear the consequences of the world. The universe was created for me to live in, to grow in, and to consume whatever I so desired. If I was to be taken by a woman, she was going to have to treat me like a king while everyone lives like the servant and disposable creature that you are. I can justify all my actions with the lies that I tell myself. I deserve happiness. I deserve everything good in life because God told me that I was special if I believed in him. I had two women wanting my attention. I felt like a God amongst insects. A king taking from everyone else and leaving that which I was less entertained by. Driven by anger, jealousy, lust, and greed. I lost myself to the darkness that belonged to the demons. I do not deserve to live. I do not deserves God’s love or his forgiveness. I am one of seven billion people on this planet. I have nothing to offer the world. I am numb. I live in despair. Why should anyone care? This weight of guilt I need to bear. Into mirrors I can not stare. To the devil; I am compared. I am cursed to be alone. My sins I must atone. With every breath and cell down to my bone. I do not deserve love or a peaceful home. I am too ashamed to face my past. How long is this going to last? My life seems to go by so fast. Into hell shall I be cast.

I felt the spectrum of all emotions through one moment.

Other works by Jaime P. Rivera...



Top