Trypophobia
extreme or irrational aversion to or fear of clusters of small holes or bumps.
My right ventricle has developed trypomania
When my right atrium gets its dose of oxygen-poor blood
It is sent to the right ventricle
Only to seep out through the holes I allowed
You to drill there with power tools you bought for cheap
By a brand named Careless
When I am distressed
About the fact that
I will one day die
If I keep this up
You are kind enough to supply me your solution
Trepanation
With those underqualified things
That always seem to describe the rugged gentry
You begin to drill your hole in my forehead
Until it’s received by my skull
I have a third eye now
It isn’t wicked
It is me allowing it to be there
As the only evidence
You tried to pursue unintentionally
When I saw the stress exhaust
Spew out from the crater you created
I knew it was what you thought of me:
I wasn’t good enough
You were not content
Nor proud
Never eager
To spend time with me
To offer me flowers
Candy
My favorite foods that you never bought
With your own hard work
Your own skill
Your own power
Your own manhood
And I cried
Your sugar momma didn’t
Even know my name
She didn’t know you were buying
Me my favorite things
With her addiction to have male attention
Her age sucked away
From her genetic makeup she’d make up her face to cover
And pay someone to restore
I don’t know if she could afford a cosmetic surgeon
In order to prevent that
I didn’t know if she was working on believing
She was better than that
I didn’t know her age,
Her worst fear
Her highest goal
She had no idea that I like you,
That I shoved everything
Unwanted about what you were doing
Into my stomach
Until my kanga pouch was beyond bloated
From every unnatural, disconcerting
Chain reaction that always happens when
My body understands
I’m not supposed to take this
She was absolutely clueless concerning
What my daydreams about you were about...
I felt you would have liked them
Because you were absolutely clueless about them, just like her
Perhaps they would have helped you live longer
After all, they were for you
Maybe they had potential to excite your heart
Without caffeinated stimulation
Get your blood flowing
The way you did to me
To be ready to jump into your world
Let you name the children
Ice skate,
Run under water while breathing,
Escape contorting conundrums
Laugh until we cried, died and went to heaven
And came back just to find another joke
My left atrium is waiting for you
To stop hurting me
It figures the hole in your heart
That’s got you locked in your time machine
Would know that
The words good morning,
Thank you,
Have a good day
Will one day capitulate their faith to treat people well
And insult my religious soul,
How I enjoy my life of eating plants...
And make diligent efforts to stop
Since it won’t do your life’s remaining timeline any good
And the reason why I am in so much pain
Is because you can give two
You know what curse word I’m thinking of less
About what is going on in me
You should have never given me anything
Until you were ready to give yourself
You would have apologized
When the jig was up
When I watched you
Prancing from person to person
Asking them what they thought
About you being with another woman
Who’s sick enough to pay you for
Your services you should be able to provide for her freely
I was willing to care for you freely
In all that exciting possibility you were so enthralled in
I guarantee, you never mentioned me
What is my name to you?
Nowhere near as much as yours is to me...
I wanted to begin the hate journey
Show you how it’s really done
By making your face the example I’d plaster
On every billboard
Just for laying out a red carpet
Called forgiveness in order to express every iota of my chest
So that you might see it one day
In your bed
But all you gave me was fleeting banter about flight
And extraterrestrial visitations you possibly
Believed I was more interested in seeing
Than placing my hand by your heartbeat
Christianity prevented that though
Reality said I’m really too tired to hate
For if I were to begin that journey on anyone
It would have to be myself for allowing me
To accept seeing your laugh, and wanting you to smile at something I said
I just want to heal!
God, why are they still
Coming onto me like a child molester
Obsessed with offering me toys, teddy bears
And time alone in make believe
I’m a real human though
I don’t think you’re trying to break me....
But why are you trying to break me?
What did I do to you to deserve
This ventricular woman slaughter?
What is it about your penis
That makes you think it’s
Better than my vagina?
‘Cause that’s really the only difference between us
I just wanted an apology
For some man to—for once in my life—avoid
Writing off what he’s done
You can’t jump over my hurt to distract me from it
It’s my hurt.
I would have never befriended it had it not been for you jumping over it
Will you dodge my offer of reconciliation?
Or my vehement need
To bequeath to you
Life beyond what’s happening between you and me now?
Talk to me
Hear where I feel for you the best
Hear me offer you power
Wrap you up in silken garments
Shower you with affection
Just because you’re human
Isn’t that why you keep hurting us
Much to your ambivalence?
As we will never really tell you
What you’ve done
As you don’t have a whole heart to hear it
It has a hole someone put there
And I don’t think that they ever offered you a genuine apology
Which explains why you so blindly drilled into mine
Trying to find the one with greater words you’ve never heard
For your information
More than my disappointment about this situation
Is a personal lesson I’d like to spell out
The previous address regarding my weakened heart condition
Is to elucidate why there’s such a thing as a mirror
Because when I sin
It is my duty to reconcile with Him
As I cannot expect a full life of every beautiful thing
He will supply me
While neglecting He feels the exact same way as I
When someone who’s open to wanting me as their bride
Piledrives me with holes
Because he knows his life and my life
Are like the north and south pole
So why try a little harder to merge?
At the moment I drill in His eternal heart’s core
Sourced by my abhorrence that He is Lord of our covenant
I must kneel before Him
Express against His chest
My own will does not adore Him
So I’ve shown the world that I would rather
Waste His time by creating a cluster of ugly little cavities upon
His painstaking humanity and hang Him up for all to see
Until they sneer, or cringe, or vomit out their cry of leprosy
Right before they auction off their eyeballs for disposal
Never to have to see all that or the One with which it’s nailed upon
This torturous will I have to show the masses
As much as they can’t stand it
There has to be someone other than me I can always use to
Make you itch but crave to gander it;
Your trypophobia
I had a hand in it
And the Man who handles it
Is as silent as a lamb with it
And until the day comes when I am sorry
That’s really how He manages
I pray He’ll wash my hands of it
So He can take my hand in His
With all those nasty holes in it
Because He has forgiven it
definition taken from: https://www.google.com/search?q=definition+of+trypophobia&rlz=1CAJFEX_enUS1049&oq=defini&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j0i20i263i433i512j69i57j0i67i433i650j0i67i650j0i433i512j0i67i650j0i433i512l2j0i131i433i512.2159j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
#forgiveness #God #hurt #lifelesson #love #recovery #shame #sin #strength
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