Unsuccessful Each Time
This was the first poem I've ever performed. Thank you Tim W. and Tyler S.
PART 1
Pain cut so DEEP that it’s REACHED the arch of my foot
At a point it SEEPED into my blood and... It poisoned me.
Sucking the life from my eyes
Wiping the smile from my lips
Filling my mind with worms blocking anything clear enough to understand.
How could someone like me allow myself to be THIS for a man?
Be his verbal punching bag.
Each rejection stabbing my self esteem
Each ignored call creating abstract figures in my brain.
My eyes became crazy.
It’s now concealed by fire.
Pain so deep it travels through my thighs; hindering my movement
My heart is mush.
Vulnerable and in need of good lovin
To heal me.
To heal what I let him do.
To fix me up all pretty like I did before he came.
Like I did when he came and he only noticed sometimes.
Sometimes looking right through me
Or right at me searching for something else.
I remember how that felt.
In those moments my being swarmed with blue pain covering my soul like a mean, holy blanket.
No warmth.
After a while it became my birthday suit.
I wore it all the time.
It seeped into me.
I became it.
Still to this day I scrub my skin violently hoping to scrape off what’s left.
Unsuccessful each time.
PART 2
As the days go on I realize that each feeling of bliss may only last but a moment
I am pretty sad at this stage in my life
My heart isn’t beating in healthy rhythms
I had to give up looking for a perfect love in him so that I can find the perfect love in myself.
No matter how right it sounds, it feels right no where else but in my mind.
But each day, my legs suffer and my heaviness pulls me closer to the earth
My toes hurt from dragging my feet
My arms hurt from lifting myself up every morning.
Pain crashes against my chest in violent waves
My eyes sink heavily into my face
Smiling is like a resisting workout
Nothing in my body ever feels that it’s right..
Except my mind
And in these moments I sit quietly attentively listening for my intuition to yell for me to keep going.
Yell to me that I will be happy at the end of this storm but I have to get through it.
Although the past is so much closer than that future,
I can’t keep turning around and running backward.
Each time I collapse comfortably in the wrong arms
And feel the right feeling but not for long.
Each time after the honeymoon faze I am burned with memories and incompatibility
But each time I lay in his arms my body feels so good and I sleep so peacefully but when I wake...
the truth doesn’t set me free..
It holds me down and I gasp for air.
With him, it was always hard to breathe.
But with him my heart sang melodious songs.
And now... My heart can barely murmur a complete sentence without coughing up blood or sneezing out dried up puss.
My heart feels sick.
The only way to get through it is so go through it and pray every day that I’m successful this time
