The Day Troy Became a Hat
Somehow Troy became deluded into thinking
that he was a hat,
Gandalf’s hat to be precise.
He bought wizardy high boots,
which he insisted were possessed
by the spirit of Gandalf himself.
It never occurred to Troy,
as it did to his father,
a cranky old man, nonetheless
a well-read lover of fantasy,
to hear Gandalf’s voice saying
Troy Peregrine Jones, take off those silly boots,
you are not me,
and take off that silly hat;
why would Gandalf’s hat
wear a hat in any case?
Jesus wept
His father would mumble,
burying himself in his book.
Jannette wept,
that being his mother’s name,
burying herself in the kitchen
for the comfort food
that she believed
was the only thing that would get them through.
Troy did not weep
but whenever he was in someone else’s home
he walked with a stoop
and referred to everyone
by names they did not know,
like Meriadoc, Pippin,
Frodo, or just plain Baggins.
Troy bought a pipe.
His father thought,
now Gandalf’s hat
smokes a pipe?
Jesus wept.
Troy went to Australiana Village
and rode the horse-drawn wagon,
insisting on sitting upfront with the driver,
smoking his pipe and attempting
to gain control of the wagon,
telling astonished passengers,
We’re going to Hobbiton
to see Bilbo,
I’d love to introduce you all!
In an ensuing scuffle
Troy fell from the wagon onto his head.
He left his hat behind
and dashed home with unholy haste.
When he arrived home
his father, astonished at the absence of the hat,
did not say,
Jesus wept.
His astonished
but relieved mother
did not weep.
Troy went out
the following day and bought a top hat,
a fancy waistcoat and a pair of fancy boots.
He also bought a red-haired wig.
When he returned home
he put them all on
and walked into the lounge room
with all the elegance he could muster.
His father looked at him and said
What now?
Have I gone completely mad?
Troy replied simply,
You’re entirely bonkers
His father was too astonished to say
Jesus Wept.
