And the most wondrous thing is, I suppose, that I realised at that moment,

That insignificant but oh so significant moment,

That she was no longer my free-flowing river freezing over in winter,

She was no longer the steady ceaselessly pouring rain on my candy floss blush,

No more was she the hot springs I bathe my sins within...

No.

I realised, suddenly and astonishingly,

that she was my entire fucking ocean.

I mean, she’s the waves that tentatively lick at my bare feet,

And my god she’s the tide that pulls me and pushes me,

I tell you she’s what divides the water clean in half as if God commanded it so,

And she collects my tears as if they were antiques,

Puts them in an envelope,

Licks the seal,

Sends them off to a place where I can’t blink them away every time someone asks

“Are you ok?”

Yeah.

How can you even begin to tell someone that?

How can mere words ever encompass that all-consuming, overwhelming, glorified chemical reaction that we have nicknamed “love”?

Language... Poetry... What a mediocre form of human expression...

I don’t know.

But when she asked me what I was thinking

When she asked me what troubles i carry on my weary, slowly eroding shoulders,

All I could manage was

“Darling right now I’m stuck somewhere between ”I love you" and the Middle of fucking nowhere."

So don’t trust me to sail this ship.

Not on these waters.

Don’t make me

Not on this night.

Don’t shake me

Not with that storm ahead

Don’t break me

I’m in this dreamless slumber

Don’t wake me

So while the edge beckons me

and the darkness is calling

and the nothing and the emptiness is screaming my name so loud I have wanna be blind

all I want to see is her mouthing out words to save me.

All I want is for her arms to wrap round my cold as ice body and keep me afloat.

All I want is her heart to anchor me when the seas get too rough for me to keep us steady.

I’m not the captain of this ship anymore.

I can’t dock our vacuous excuse of a vessel tonight.

You can’t harbour my past much longer...

“Ask me again what I’m thinking darling.”

I breathe in.

I breathe out.

I tighten my grip on the wheel of this sinking ship and I give her a look that could sink the titanic all over again.

I held my shaking hands round her China white neck but I never choked her.

I just kissed her so deep she forgot whose air she was breathing.

Ask me again what I’m thinking, then.

“What are you thinking?”

“I think I just told you”

Thank you