In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake,
You probably knew her well
She was stoned 15 of her 18 years
And her story was widely told,
That she could smoke 'em faster
Than any dude could roll
 
Well her legend finally reached New York
That grove street walk up flat
Where dwelt the Calistoge Kid,
a beatnik from the past
He’d been rolling dope since time began
And he took a cultured toke and said
'Jim, I can rollem faster than any chick can smoke’
 
So a note gets sent to San Raphael
For the Championship of the World
The Kid demands a smoke off
'Well bring him on’ sayz Pearl
'I’ll grind his fingers off his hands,
he’ll roll until he drops’
Sayz Calistoge 'I’ll smoke that chick 'til she blows up and pops’
 
So they rent out Yankee Stadium
And the word is quickly spread
Come one come all, who walk or crawl
Tickets just two lids a hit
And from every town in Hamlet
Over land and sea they speed
The Worlds greatest dopers
With the Worlds greatest weed
 
Hashishes from Morocco
Hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shashnicks from Bagoon, who smoke the deadly Pugaroo
And those who call it 'Light of Life’
And those that call it 'Boo’
 
See the dealers and their ladies
Wearing turquoise, lace, and leather
See the narcos and the closet smokers
Puffing all together
From the teenies who smoke legal
To the ones who’ve done some time
To the old man who smoked reefer, back before it was a crime
 
And the 'Grand Old House That Ruth Built’
Is filled with the smokes and cries
Of 50,000 screamin’ heads, all stoned out of their minds
And they play the National Anthem
And the crowd lets out a roar
As the spotlight hits the Kid and Pearl
Ready for their smokin’ warrrr...
 
At a table piled up high with grass, high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers
Not one stem, branch or seed
I mean a Maui, a Wowie, a Panama Red, Alcopoco Gold

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