Brain wired.
Brain Wired
I’d like to understand how my brain works, which are the wires that make my emotions feel this intense.
When I talk about intensity, I’d rather say passionate, cause there’s such a wrong attachment to the first word.
Meanwhile, when you use the second while describing yourself, people might think of it as a quality.
And It’s far of being one, every time I think of it, I can only imagine it as a curse.
Being intense, being passionate, means no having control over what you feel,
and I don’t think there’re words pretty and sweet enough to romanticize it.
I’ve spent most of my days trying to find a way to explain myself, the fact there’s more than always being on the edge.
I feel I was wired to never find out what it feels being in the middle, to not jump from one emotion to another,
all of that in a blink of an eye, cause I feel too much, and there’s nothing in between.
When I love, is not the way that it’s supposed to be, cause I don’t care about the time or wrongly, how I’m being treated.
I always feel like if I give my heart, there’s no way they can shatter it, but it’s always the same.
It starts as a fire in a forest, that will consume everything at the sight until it’s no longer one.
Cause when you have no control over your emotions, one minute you feel like giving your whole being to someone,
and then, you’re so jealous that your whole body vibrates on anger, and you can’t stop what’s coming out of your tongue.
I get attached too quickly, and I don’t like to use the word ‘obsession’ but when I’m in love, there’s nothing else I think of.
I try to become the person you might want me to be, not caring a damn about who I am inside,
changing my whole personality if it’s necessary, cause I need the person to stay, even if it means I can’t be me.
But t was never about you, it was the fact that I need to feel I’m alive, that I’m not a ghost, or a hallucination of someone.
And I feel the only way to get that feeling, is being loved by someone.
#bordelinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #love #mentalillness #mentallyill Sylvia plath
