liar, liar, pants on fire
i don’t miss you as much as i thought i would.
isn’t that terrible? aren’t i such a liar?
i told you, curling into myself, staring into your dark eyes,
that i smell your clothes when i feel small.
i refused to wash them or set them with mine.
so they sat on a chair for weeks, and i would go to them like a moth to a flame.
i washed and hung them up in my closet two weeks ago,
just like everything else.
we treated each other like balms, burn salves.
i pinned your contact and you called me on sundays.
you don’t call me anymore, and i turned my ringer off.
i told you i loved you, which was true, but i loved secrets more.
i told you i loved you, and what i didn’t say was,
you scare the shit out of me.
i didn’t tell you that sometimes you wake me up at night in a cold sweat.
i didn’t tell you was that i dreaded hearing your name.
i stared at you on the bridge with my best friend.
she was in tears and panicking, i watched blankly.
i knew that there was nothing i could do.
if you stepped forward you would fall, and i wouldn’t be able to catch you.
so, i didn’t move at all.
i’m not scared of you anymore.
it burns too many calories and lord knows i barely have enough.
it’s almost soothing now, a steady lull and pattern.
i know you will leave me notes and then disappear for hours.
and you come back until you don’t.
it’s a very simple story with two endings.
you get better or you don’t.
u ever have such a loving and twistingly toxic relationship it traumatizes you but teaches you a whole new world of love?
#ToxicRelationshipsSuicideSuicideSurvivorFriendshipLoveTraumaBondingGuilt
