I just read something that made me start to think.
It said, “If you don’t kiss a person and smile, then you are kissing the wrong person.”
So I guess that means... I haven’t kissed anyone in over two years that actually was the right person.
I guess what it means is that I truly am not happy. I can’t find someone I am actually in love with, where my soul burns for just that person. I have lived without being with someone for so many years of my life, why did it have to change? Why did I have to start feeling more for someone when I can barely feel for myself? That is just my thoughts on what is going on though, I understand that we have to get that way, it is in our nature. But I don’t want someone to call my own. It just never feels right. It feels like I am trapped inside of a cage and I was thrown into the sea, unable to get out, unable to breathe. My whole world has flooded away before my eyes and I see the vast nothingness that is life, an endless sea of blue and then darkness.
But I am not afraid, I mean, I have these people that are around me some of the time, showing me things, letting me be apart of their worlds. I see how different we are, but I love every moment. It is like scuba diving in the ocean and seeing the world that is there, it is different, but beautiful nonetheless. They are the fish in the midnight zone that glow in the dark. They are the mystery that I try to indulge myself in when I don’t want to figure myself out. They are what keep me from sinking all the way to the bottom and not returning to the surface.