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Just a moment
I know you can hear me; I can feel your hand on my
left forearm always now
Sometimes that’s enough, but not this time, not today
Today I want more than to just feel your presence
More than a photographed image of you
I want you here, touchable, huggable, verbal
One more hug, one more joke, one more big grin from
you
One more moment
I want you to come sit quietly beside me, hold my hand and let me tell you this:
Writing has often been my closest confidante.
I have longed for months now to confide how deeply
your passing has hurt me
But, I can never see through the tears or push past
the pain
In order to put prose to paper
This is not the kind of poem that calls for rhyme,
rhythm and wit
The words don’t flow like lyrics and it won’t sound
like a song
It is simply a daughter’s need to reconcile the death of her dad
More of a letter than a poem, I suppose
Although there were times I didn’t understand you and
At times I didn’t like you; you didn’t make that easy
As we grew older and I wandered off in the world experimenting and exploring...
I am sure I didn’t make it easy for you either
And I know at times it was hard to like me
But we always loved each other deeply
You grew a garden of love for me when I was a little girl
My love for you was deeply rooted in my childhood
You were a tall oak, strong and steady, offering me
shade from the heat, A perch to see the world from
.
Allowing me to play in the branches or just lean on
you when I was tired.
Not a storm that went through our world could rip up those roots
Branches broke, and in our winters the tree seemed
dead and lifeless
But spring always came and breathed new life back in
Drinking the love up from the roots to regrow and replenish our family tree
Our bond was complicated, unique and special
We were too much alike at times and far too different at times
We confided things in each other that went beyond a
father /daughter bond
We had a friendship, a trust that allowed us to speak freely, to confide in each other
Those times of sharing I recall as being so safe and free from judgement
I don’t want to talk about the times of ill feelings
Those memories have faded allowing happy, heartwarming ones to
Fill my heart when I think of you
I have so many memories of you filled with joy and love
Yes I am smiling as I write this
Remembering our drives together when you would teach me new songs
Riding on your shoulders when I was five; I was 8 feet tall
Play fighting with you– I loved that– I laughed so much– we were in the moment; our moment
Watching you turn a piece of wood into a work of art in your workshop
Being so excited to see your truck pull in the driveway after work! I loved that moment when you arrived home!
When we danced together at my wedding and you told
me how proud you were– that made me as happy as getting married did.
When you had a spaghetti eating contest with my son; I am so happy you got to see me become a mom
When we sat on the couch quietly just holding hands, knowing time was precious
These are the memories I cherish; when we were in the moment,– our moment.
I miss you as deeply as I loved you.
(2013)
