Nightmare.
Finished. ..older poem.with some new
I dreamed so very long ago
Tread under foot were bones and shell
The world was velvet and deep in shadow
And a beast I could not describe too well
Stood behind me in the gloom
And I could not turn for fear, I assumed
That it would soon overcome me
Threatening all I could ever hope to be
The danger bled into the waking world
For knew I not if this demon was set apart
Or it had sprung from the dark of my own heart
Firmly taloned inside my soul
If I could only call for protection within this hole
Yet here the only enemy is myself
And the defense I set up is part demon itself
No one else will take it seriously and I’ve learned
At times I’m curious why the same I’ve given will never be returned nor bought
It cuts me to the heart and pushes me away
And after so long, I understand it not.
I dreamed seasons behind me now
That a great heavy light pierced me with its gaze
Pure it was but with hideous power
Pushed me prostrate with its rays
And forced me with such tyranny to cower
This light let me know I was absolutely alone
It taunted me with 9 specific voices
Some said I knew nothing and others that I knew all
And yet could never do any good after such choices
The last screamed and I feared for they did enthrall
They made me believe it was much to late
That such scars would wounds remain
My sorrow did their appetite sate
That my mind would forever carry this dark stain
I could not know then, it was but a dream
But it laid into me a seed of great doubt
So when I’d awake
I’d feel that broken seam
And my trust in it damaging and devout
I’d long for a time before the light told me I knew nothing.
Nothing.
Why does it surprise me everytime after?
These dreams grow fangs so often that I fear
Those demons crowd me
When from sleep I sip
For even a dream beautiful turns to hell
Every time I let fear take me in its grip
My dreams lay in wait beneath shadows in the soul
They claw at the heart yet still leave me whole
As Prometheus I’m chained every night to a rock
A fool was I to think I could take fire from what I should not
These chains that hold me fast have no key nor lock
The eagle, ravenous, to pick piece by piece
Yet it is my nerve, my heart that is its meager feast
Still every night again and again Id sacrifice my peace
Yet these dreams so common may never cease
Until I learn I shall always be alone.
Yet the ones I fear more than most
Lurks with no creature nor terror and yet
These dreams come and leave like a ghost
I wake up speechless from a place I cannot forget
Help me withdraw, help me maintain
The day steamed in heat as steady fell the rain
Steam rising from the pavement in my soul
I despise such dreams and feel tired disdain.
For myself. Only for myself.
Yet I want to keep them close and embrace silent pain
I can taste such dreams
As they flow through my veins
Poisoning me with trust they had just before slain
The hardest part is I must contain
Why believe the lie? I must decline
That a dream and life are never the same
I cannot tell anyone
As I am alone by design.
When will I learn this lesson
Where can I find peace
No one dare fix me
Nor even give me release.
I dreamed last night and when I woke
It took me too long to return when reality broke
It felt so real I could not move
My eyes opened in the dark and it did not soothe
The feeling of the dream still felt on my skin
I looked side to side and then within
You were not there.
Not many can enter my dreams so soon
I tell you it does not happen, it is rare
Its takes ages for one to enter my subconscious, my soul
And these rules were quite simply shattered with care
As expected the world was darker than it ever should be
Night was everywhere
My dreams being hardly ever good
Until you.
Personal hell, nightmare nearby they’ve always stood
But that was a dream a waking omen.
Blood and shadows in every corner deep
This is common
much too common when I sleep
Yet you and I walked in a city lit up, then down a mine then even farther deep underground
I heard nothing but silence not A sound
And then we ran from the populace to be alone
Tell me, what else could that mean?
it has me shook to the bone.
You said what I somehow already had known
From your mouth to me so near
And this is what I’ve come to fear
For who believes in dreams?
Only echos of emotions that cannot belong
An idea that often seemed
certainly something that cannot be redeemed
Which is why I must keep this one to myself
A nightmare is not the dead nor hideous beast I dare to face
It is your face.
And that beside you is obviously not my place.
So which dream do I dread the most?
It is the one that comes and leaves like a ghost.
For I cannot confide when do I wake
And I must keep it to myself for everyones sake.
If only It was a dream forgotten when awake.
My passion never meant for this earth?
It’s what you said.
Now I see you were always right.
So why fight?
for it anymore.
I’ll live as I’ve always done
Waiting for my shell to break
My bones to rot
My mind to come undone.
For I see I am not for anyone.
The demon, the light, your face
All told me so
And did I listen?
Maybe one day I’ll learn to go it alone.
And try to understand and be shown
My heart has to become a solid stone.
When will my dreams teach me?
I’m destined to only be
Another’s obsession.
No true lesson to lesson
It was never aggression.
No true intention to ever be listened.
To grow like vines together?
What weakness in me makes to those only lust?
What in my making makes me trust and trust?
My dreams they tell me, “you are just such.
No cushion protect you for this is a must.”
No time to be itself
It had not grown stale
Leave me frail.
I’m used to this hell.
The vultures are already circling their goal.
For I threw out the blood that made me human.
The flesh that made me whole
—C.R.Stanger
2023
Dark...but not untrue. Even in the exaggerative words of art.
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