Hate
I finally broke down and bought myself a gift;
But it didn’t come wrapped up in pretty packages
Or carefully selected words.
It surely wasn’t expected,
But it came nonetheless:
Hate.
I purchased you on a pillow stained with fears,
Tears and mourn over the years gone sour.
You licked my wounds because the blood makes you ravenous
Devouring my intentions one metallic drop at a time.
I hate you.
I hate everything about you.
I hate that the knife in my back has a pretty pink bow on it.
I hate the deception that cloaked my dreams.
I want to catch you at a grocery store and ask you how your abortion went.
I want to whisper in your ear how you agonize my brain.
I want the hate sex to leave smeared makeup on your soul.
I want the filth to run rampant through your meadows, scorching skies and embers burning wreckage across the mindscapes you always seek.
I sought my freedom in your boughs and you vomited your lies onto me
An oil slicked madness coating my wings,
Seeking purchase in the safety of a way, a life, a gentle breeze
That would take me to a faraway land where all the happiness grew
In blades of fluorescent green grass and ladybugs,
Portending the struggle I face every day
Of wanting you to be over
And wanting to destroy everything I ever had.
Tyler said it best when he wanted to destroy something beautiful;
Only beauty is skin deep where this one treads,
Wandering the beaten path like all other zombies,
Never mindful of the stench and decay
And lifelessness of the pursuit of maddening days.
Where did I find this horrific place?
Whence did I chance upon this darkness
In my own soul
The hatred makes me sick
The hatred makes me hate
I hated it all.
I want to watch you scream as everything you lost beckons you to find it;
I want to watch myself
I am watching myself
I am creating myself
I am experiencing myself
I am releasing myself
And the power you once sought
Burns and aches
It screams in agony to stay within
To know the truth
To grasp on and suck away every ounce of life.
You would take everything and give nothing
And I would give everything and take nothing
And somewhere in between your ego met mine and I found your weakness.
I wanted to destroy you.
I wanted you to feel the cold, empty stare of detachment.
I wanted your pain to give me shivers.
I wanted to taste the tears.
I wanted your sweet, slick medicine to glide down your throat like you were loving me on my deathbed.
I wanted to agonize and kill myself inside just for a taste of retribution.
And went the smoldering wreckage of our lies lay before us.
You were finally naked and exposed, you fucking fraud.
Go fuck yourself was the modus operandi,
But I’m not sure you even care enough about your own mind
To ever understand where I could have been.
Putting myself in your shoes made me nauseous.
Putting myself inside of you made me nauseous.
Letting go made me free,
And letting you go finally melted away the chains.
So fly away you mockingbird,
Because nothing you ever knew felt so wonderful.
But everything you ever wanted is carried down the breeze.
I’m through.
I’ve been through.
I’m going through.
And I hate you.
Through and through.
Smoke if you got 'em, because I cannot even see straight to comprehend myself right now.
~Chris
27 June 2008
