Fearful Love
To Alexa Rae
For Myself
I’m jealous of your ability to escape.
It seems to be so easy for you to, almost mindlessly,
dismiss the causes of your pain and treat the symptoms: depressions and anxiety
by getting drunk and “having fun,” taking drugs and fucking 'til the thoughts are gone.
“It’s not easy for me, you know...”
I’m afraid this ability has become habit for you, your addiction. You’re an escape artist.
I hate to make it sound so derogatory,
but the ability to hurt oneself is more a curse than blessing by far.
There’s no where to go when you’re running from who you are.
“And I feel for you, so intensely I can’t help...”
And that is why we cut:
to escape the pain and that world of constant shame
we create from our insecurities that are also lies
we told ourselves as little girls to help us survive
this cruel world, as we perceive it...
“Now I’m projecting...”
Please just wake up! and continue this journey with me
of realizing truth from lie and discovering transparency.
Oh, how it pains me to see the agony and sorrow in your eyes,
For there’s an all-too-familiar part of me I recognize
in the reflection your pain has become of mine.
I have already fallen in love with you, my dear.
It’s falling down with you I fear.
For if I hit bottom too, will we both make it back up?
There’s that age-long question: Is love enough?
The truth is:
My love for you will not lift you out of the pit of despair.
Nor will your love save me, to be fair.
It’s that love for yourself
and that love for myself
that can save us from this hell.
Reality is an illusion; a picture painted by the past projecting itself on our present
because we let it, because we’re young yet.
I am beginning to understand the process of learning, of growing:
“Patience, little one, as you come to knowing...”
I can’t rush your progress no more that I can rush my own.
I simply wish I could ease the suffering for you.
Because I know how hard it is to learn to love yourself when it’s so much easier to have compassion for others.
Here’s to taking on the problems of our mothers.
So my gift to you and my gift to me
is letting you go and setting me free.
True love, as I’m coming to understand it,
is having a level of non-attachment;
in order to let the one you love learn on their own;
to have their own realizations, their own messages shown.
My love for you will only get stronger
as the distance and time between us get further and longer.
Let us remember the taste of each other’s sweetness,
the aroma of our tender embraces,
the beauty and light our eyes, the windows to our souls, both hold,
the sound of our laughter after crazy adventures told,
and how at home we feel when we’re with one another.
Best Friends. Soul Mates. Lovers.
Our love for each other will only get stronger
as the distance and time between us get further and longer.
(2013)
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