Darkest Before the Dawn
Walking into a clear house
nothing made a sound not even a mouse.
So quiet and calm
I can’t help but feel like something is wrong.
Sky’s turn from Blue to grey
I thought today was going to be a good day.
Clouds come rolling in and thunder roars
I hear the slamming of multiple doors.
I knew he was coming I felt it in my gut
he was an angry spirit who fell on bad luck.
I hear the screams come from the next room
I knew it would be coming to me soon.
Begging and pleading only gets you so far
I know this from experience when I saw my brother
get beaten with a bar.
He never thought I was good enough
and that was made clear when only he said “good job”
when I barely ate for a year.
The darkness creeped into my soul
so numb the tears were slow to flow.
The pills were at arm’s reach
I swallowed a baker’s dozen
while the bottle fell to my feet.
The next day I’m still here
maybe it was meant to be this way
maybe I was meant to stay here.
Wearing all black made me feel safe
it is the color I wear most even to this day.
The few colors I do wear shine through
they show my spirit is still slightly true.
His body now diminished and frail
is to weak to inflict pain on the ones who loved him
without fail.
His soul has passed on
no telling which direction it flew
but you were my dad and no matter what
I’ll always have love for you.
Starting a new chapter in my life
adulthood came quicker than I would have liked.
Trials and tribulations so true
never in a million years would I have thought they would result
from living with you.
The last beacon that lights my path of darkness has burned out
leaving me cold and heartless.
I was your maid and your emotional punching bag
I couldn’t take it anymore it made me so mad.
This doesn’t happen to just anyone right?
Surely I must be the reason.
I guess its true what they say
no matter how close some people are only meant to be in your life
but for a season.
This is my fault
my life is in ruins because I am defective.
I need a release
a way to channel my anger
inflicting these cuts on my body helps
but causes more scars to be judged for later.
It’s always calm before the storm
I should have saw this coming
nothing stays perfect for too long
man I wish I saw this coming.
One bad decision after the next
will this torment ever end?
No place to call home
no family to phone
only one true friend remains
I don’t know how to handle it all if I am to fall again.
Look at me now I am still standing
I must be doing something right.
I am on a journey I have not taken before
but I am figuring it out as I go.
I must have the strength to push forward even if it’s hard
I want to be the exception
and always raise the bar.
It is not about waiting for the storm to pass
its about learning to dance in the rain.
I am only a victim of circumstance
if I allow myself be
And I have everything to gain.
I have to be strong
move forward and
keep holding on.
I’ll take the lessons I learn and hold them dear
for this is only the beginning
it will only get better from here.
(2015)
