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you might as well dance

Pop pop,
I miss you, I miss the moments that don’t exist where
I told you how your presence in this life so goldenly affected my own.
I miss the time I didn’t tell you at family dinners
you’re the most good in this home.
I will miss you watching the sky
is that where I get it from–
it is a different way than anyone else looks at it
when you were getting bad it kept your smile for you,
reserved upon your face with every
sunrise,
sunset
When I was a baby you built me my own swing set
so I could be closer to it.
And you would push me,
and I’d smile and
you’d push me I’d swing
and some days you would be pushing me and you would sing.
“I see the moon
the moon sees me
God bless the moon, and god bless me”
The only time I really saw you angry was
when my first boyfriend called at four am
and you yelled
that isn’t like a gentleman.
Remember when you taught me how to drive on the farm?
I thought the gas peddle was just like any other button so when you said push it
I really just did and you flew back
looking terrified and said
not quite like thaat..
I’m still a bad driver.
Before the navy you had only been to the hospital twice,
once for dog bite
once for snake bite.
& since I was little I’ve always thought you were the strongest man alive
out there on your tractor on that farm at seventy five
and you named that farm for you and Grandma E&S Farm
it was in the paper once.
I always have thought you and grandma have a love
you can’t even be jealous of you just realize its a rare beautiful
thing and that you two sure are lucky.
Remember when you had to have surgery and you blew grandma a kiss
the nurse said you two still blow kisses? You replied
“yeah, we hold hands too.”
we were in line at cracker barrel one time and i said dance with me pop
and you did! And said
well if you gotta wait you might as well dance
and i never forgot that.
pop pop I’m so arrogant of negative emotions.
All I can do to stay sane is think of memories.
I am sorry I only said i love you but
there were too many people in the room and it made me scared being there
and it made me scared being scared and it made me scared
feeling that we are all loosing you
and so all i said was i love you.
I hate coming undone
I just wish we could watch the sunset just one more time and talk
and I could tell you how you are more of a father to me than my own,
and how you’re strong and kind and good and you taught me a lot.
Now it’s later and I’ve been to your viewing, your funeral service,
All of it was the scariest experience I will ever know.
You were in the navy thirty years..
The three times they fired some sort of gun my
Sister and I blinked so hard.
They gave grandma a flag
Once again I was completely stunned by her grace,
I felt like I could see how hard it was for her to
Carry herself
In any stable manner at all
But when she feels pushed I would bet my life she would never fall.
 
I talked to you the night before all of this took place,
And swear to heaven I could feel your presence in my space.
Thank you for being there to hear me.
You’re my best role model pop,
You always will be.

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