I wish I could be honest
and speak to you of my journey..
To tell you that this intense energy
vibrates through me like an electrical current
with switches at different locations,
branching out in different directions.
I wish I could tell you of my nightmares
in which I live out a scenario where my reality crumbles
through an act of betrayal and deceit
being carried out in the open
with a blunt unhidden indifference from the culprit.
And then I scream so loud the room could burst,
right before I choose to run fast and far away
to somewhere I can find sanctuary.
Or the dark fights that get replayed
over and over,
in which I destroy the demon that threatens me;
the demon that often wears the mask of a beloved.
I wish I could tell you of the dreams I have
of lost loved ones and unresolved longings;
a longing for this friend and that friend
to have loved me, to miss me.
A longing to see the deceased alive
just one last time.
To let them know the things I had wished I’d said.
To remain holding those I never let know
that I loved them...
For us to not need to go,
at least until I would wake up...
I wish I were able to share my dreams
of dancing with fluidity, grace and control;
I as a master of my own body’s movements.
And share with you the music that I hear,
the sounds so pure they can only be of another world,
in which the divine nature of things is self-evident
without the need to seek for it.
And I, in those dreams, have found myself singing along with the melodies;
songs that the whole of creation has learnt from heart,
somehow in some way...
With a voice that matches the same purity as the music that guides it.
I wish I could tell you of these adventures that take place at night,
where I travel long distances and visit many places,
meet all kinds of characters, see all kinds of faces..
Travelling by feet, jumping over large valleys,
knowing how to fly, or else, to drive any kind of motor...
Not necessarily on Earth or in the present;
sometimes in the past or in future, in some other world
or somewhere out in the vastness of space;
sometimes belonging to a group of beings that transcend the developments of the human race...
And within all of these stories seems to be a memory that is held in it’s place..
I wish I could tell you of these enlivening dreams,
In which I am curious, adventurous, strong,
just, self-assured and free,
much more like what I feel is the real me.
As in my waking life,
I’m controlled and anxious;
hidden underneath a shell held together through a sense of duty and responsibility;
the responsibility to make sure everything is in order, everything is in its place
and everyone feels at ease in my company,
unthreatened by what I choose to express.
But I feel suppressed
on a daily basis,
and have no outlet but through painting, dancing and poetry.
So I ache for you to read my writing,
and to catch me dancing
out in those open, unpopulated spaces I find during my runs.
And to see the meaning behind the pictures I create,
because I no longer wish to be hidden,
no longer wish to let your opportunity to know me be left to fate.
And perhaps at some point I’ll feel safe enough,
or have enough courage,
to really be myself around you,
allow the same spirit that enlivens my dreams
to enliven my day to day deeds.