Old novels have their faults, but surely we could make them better;
I’m sure we’d all rush out to buy Nathaniel’s Scarlet Letter
If on the jacket lovely Hester tried decolleté
To show us all a little cleavage above that fancy “A.”
New credit cards could quickly stop the Bovarys’ cash woes,
The clumsy clubfoot mishap blamed on stingy HMO’s.
And barristers would see that Teddy Dreiser’s Clyde is freed,
Dispatching Shelley Winters not considered a misdeed.
Shrewd Pamela, her suitors rich, would terminate escapes
To end those dull accounts about procrastinated rapes;
And suit-avoiding publishers could now with great aplomb
Re-name one book “The Challenged Spinally of Notre Dame.”