cnf // on: proximity
pandemic musings - part ii
in a world where it seems that we have almost-constant and practically unlimited access to other people, creating and maintaining boundaries is a strange ocean to navigate. i’m sure many of us are in the same boat in that regard.
closeness, now, feels like a privilege that disappeared long ago. the things we once took for granted, as given, have become packaged-up like gifts: the reassuring hugs we give to friends / a comforting hand finding another hand / being within two metres of, well, anybody. being able to act on our whims and not see strangers recoil when we walk by.
i miss closeness. i’m a stubborn one and when something tips over into the realm of the unreachable, i want it all the more. but i’ve come to know that pang of longing as a privilege. the hurt that i feel is a pain i have to remind myself that i’m lucky to feel deep in my ribs. this is how i cope.
we miss things because we have things to miss.
i even miss bustling cities that i was once anxious to be a part of, where people always seemed not to notice their proximity to others. i used to consider it an inconvenient annoyance, how invisible my physical boundaries seemed to others. now, i watch as strangers give me a weary smile as we silently collude on the best way to avoid each other. i miss the guaranteed irksomeness of people crowding the doors as i exit a bus or subway carriage. i miss the awkwardness of assertively but gently tip-toeing around people to reach something gleaming at me on a bookshop shelf. i miss these tiny, trivial, and often tiresome instances of closeness to others.
i try hard not to let the ache take too strong a hold. our strict separation is an act of the utmost kindness and hope. we are keeping our distance now so that one day we may be able to come back to each other again. as strangers, we may still be mindful of our presence, maintaining at least part of the fence that keeps us apart from each other. but as family members, friends, partners, colleagues, companions, new presences– i live in the pleasant thought that we will get to be close to each other again.
i’m storing all of my love, keeping it safe, so that i might share it with you soon.
