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Current State of Mind

I am regretting many things
What is there to find in apparent beauty?
There is nothing to explain unless one is carelessly endowed in it
You don’t fall in love the flower that flourishes with no effort
Thriving ..
Green grass,
Just the right amount of sunshine and rain
You fall in love with the flower that is surviving,
Maybe even half way
In an environment of nothingness
Burned forest, lifted logs
And there it is giving hope
That’s what you fall in love with
That’s the idea .. Hope
When it seems the negatives have won..
There’s that unexpected change of fate
You fall in love because you are this flower,
Relating to everything that it represents
You’re lonely
You feel death is the only friend that will stay
Your childhood pointed to it
The box moments that formed every ugly trait that makes you imperfect steered you in its direction
As if every horrid thing that ever happened to you was trying to lead you to it
Whispered death into your ear,
Guiding you to death’s doorstep
Not a natural death
I’m talking about the death of your sanity
Death of your individuality
Destruction of true foundation
Death of your dreams
One by one,
Just to see how many flames you’d put out on your own,
And then all together
Spiritually hollow in the end
I guess you could call in “natural causes”
Walks caving in
Hopes of any sunlight crumbling around you
“Love is just a made up word”
Falsely advertising certainty
Darkness whispering everything you told yourself not to believe
Talking to yourself
Hiding in the depths of your own imagination
Wishing ways out of the growing chaos
Eventually embedding your intellect within the lies of your enemy
Welcoming his vain love,
Because that’s all you seem to know
Crying because you feel no pain
Not knowing who you are or whom you may become without suffering at every waking moment
Knocking on the door of death just to feel something again
Hurting because the numbing made you insane
Listening to every direction your childhood told you to take
Following every pointed finger leading up to the moment when death would finally answer you
Caressing the door knob
Thinking back to every question and feeling you had finally arrived at the answer
Walking up and down the steps
Feeling out your fate
Questions the jolt in your chest,
Faintly hearing your dying spirit calling out,
Causing commotion in your rib cage
Feeling it fight for your life
Simultaneously looking back at all has made you everything you are not
Balling up your fist
Ready to desperately knock on the door to the wrong answer
And ..
Then realizing everything all at once
Finally allowing yourself to feel
Acknowledging your state of being for what it really is and then not being content any longer
Settling your thoughts so you could make out and repeat the words your spirit was saying
No matter how it hurts because staying the same would hurt worse
Letting yourself be rescued
Letting yourself be loved
Defining yourself not by emotions nor things of the past
Being told that your present state of being was the only man whom should seek out death’s door
That those ugly things that tries to shape you were the ones who should follow their own directions
That those childhood hurts should follow where their own finger points
Lifting up your head to find that the light had reaching out to embrace you all along
Finding out that it had been following your every footstep your entire life
Seeing how contorted your mind could have been
Seeing how distorted your imagination would have been
Seeing how lost in every lie you should have been
Wishing you had looked up sooner
How relieving to find the meaning of a shadow is not fear and does not mean you are drowning in darkness but rather that darkness can not exist even in the presence of a single dim light
God’s love is apparent beauty to which I’ve just explained
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